This is my fourth version of this quarter’s newsletter. From school shootings – and news stories about how “most school shooters are from fatherless homes”, to the raw heartbreak of fertility clinic failures, I’ve tried to decide how best to welcome spring.

I’m hoping the best way is to acknowledge this group, our collective strength—and past heartbreak—and what I’ve learned being a member. Below are some of my thoughts, and some thoughts from our wonderful Forum members.

I had a Thank Goodness It’s Not Just Me moment while perusing the SMC Forums. 

With the twins going all in on being 2 year-old boys, plus… you know…life, and all, I’m feeling a little frazzled. I’m used to Handling Things—work things, home things, social things, things-things. And now, I just can’t seem to get that mojo back. And it’s got me rattled. 

Naturally, I thought I would still be able to Handle Things. Actually, I never realized how much “being able to Handle Things” is part of personality. I mean, I get things done. That’s just what I do. Except not for the past two years. And, like I said, it’s got me rattled. 

I grudgingly accept that I’m not able to get everything done anymore. More importantly, though, what I have learned is that when you’re used to doing it all, it’s hard to distinguish what needs to get done from just crossing something off the list. 

I’m a mother of boys. I’ll be honest—I worry about raising wonderful, caring, loving, strong and safe brown boys in today’s world. 

While this is may be unique to my life, other mothers of sons think about on this Forum thread, How to Raise a Sweet Son in an Era of Angry Men:

Although I know a lot of women worry that they won’t know how to raise a boy and they’d be more comfortable having a girl, I think in some ways, SMCs are uniquely suited to raising boys. Our sons see every day that women can handle pretty much anything that gets thrown our way – maybe it’s out of necessity and not always out of choice, but they still see us as the capable and strong women we are. And they probably also see us expressing our emotions more overtly than they might see fathers doing, and I think that’s a pretty good lesson too.

KEEP READING…

“Boys have always known they could do anything; all they had to do was look around at their presidents, religious leaders, professional athletes, at the statues that stand erect in big cities and small. Girls have always known they were allowed to feel anything — except anger. Now girls, led by women, are being told they can own righteous anger. Now they can feel what they want and be what they want.

There’s no commensurate lesson for boys in our culture. While girls are encouraged to be not just ballerinas, but astronauts and coders, boys—who already know they can walk on the moon and dominate Silicon Valley—don’t receive explicit encouragement to fully access their emotions.”

A Note from Jane

I am happy to announce a new policy for long-term SMC members. Starting now, we will be giving our long-term (5 years or more) members a “Thank You” gift of a Lifetime Membership in SMC as a token of my appreciation for your ongoing support over the many years of membership. Lifetime Membership will give you continuing access to the SMC Forum and our quarterly Newsletter.

Going forward, if finances permit, this gift will be given to all members once they hit the five-year point in their membership. We will notify you when you are eligible for this Lifetime Membership status.

Some members have asked how they can make a contribution to SMC. There is no requirement or expectation that you do so, but if you would like to give us a gift, you can make a donation at any time on almost any of the pages on our website, other than the home page. Or you might want to make SMC your designated charity on Amazon Smile, which gives us a percentage of your purchases at no cost to you. To do that, go to http://smile.amazon.com/ch/11-2664913   But donations are completely optional – there’s no need to do anything other than to enjoy your membership!

Lastly, if you are in touch with someone who has left SMC, please let them know that if they were a member for five years or more, and they’d like to return, this offer applies to them too!

Thank you again for your continuing participation, and let me know if you have any questions.

-Jane

Talk to me about grey hair, from the Forum:

When I was a young woman, I was convinced I would never color my hair, it seemed a silly and vain thing to do. I started getting some grey hair in my mid 20’s and by my late 20’s, I was coloring my hair. I have naturally curly hair which means it hides a variety of sins and I have often let my hair grow at least an inch out before coloring again. So I’ve noted over time that my grey hair is getting much more prolific.

Post pregnancy and baby, I’ve had a rough time finding a hairdresser I like, let alone getting a color. I also found the texture of my hair had really changed and didn’t’ feel that nice anymore. Basically, my hair was well grown out and I was desperate for a color and a cut. I managed to get the cut, but decided somewhat spontaneously that I was going to let the grey grow out and stop coloring.

At the moment I’m not too bothered by it, I’ve got a good white temple streak happening, but the grey is mostly in the front and the back is still dark. It could look kind of cool when it’s all grown in. And I’m willing to see how it is before making any big decisions about a full color again.

But I’d also possibly like to experiment with rinses- maybe even color rinses? But I’m not very clear on how these work, if they will stick to grey hair or what. Also, if it’s awful, how fast can I get it out?? When it comes to color, as an 80’s teen, all I know is manic panic. But there has to be better options these days?

For those of you embracing your grey- do you do anything to brighten it? Or ever put a color rinse (color or ‘regular hair color’) on it? Any brand/care recommendations?

…..

I’ve only once colored my hair. I did it for fun some 20 years ago. I just leave it alone and just shampoo it. I also pull the occasional stray white hair out that get into my sight as it bugs me more than seeing through hairs that aren’t white. Quit doing that lately cuz of I created a tiny bit of a bald spot front and center on my hair line. The only thing I consider off and on is that hair coloring for men cuz it seem like a logical way to just get back to my nature less gray color (but even at 60 I don’t thing I’m graying that much).

…..

I dye my own hair primarily to cover the grey that has recently started creeping in! But I also don’t have the time or money to go to a salon to get it done. Luckily, I also have thick and curly hair so it is pretty easy to color myself – I usually use L’Oreal and just put it on the roots. They recommend you leave it on longer if you are trying to cover grey.

My mom went grey early – like in her 30’s and went with it for a little while but then got tired of people thinking she was older than she was!

…..

I used henna for years to cover my grey and then decided almost 3 years ago that it was just too much of a pain and stopped using any color. It took about 18 months for all the color to grow out (keeping my hair shoulder length rather than going shorter) and it’s definitely noticeable, but I find I really don’t mind. It’s actually much less bothersome to me than it was with roots growing out all the time before. I’ve had people ask where I get my hair done, thinking I was getting grey highlights (who even knew that’s a thing?!), so for now it blends and works well with my mid-brown natural color. I’ve thought about going blue or something once it’s all grey, but think there’s still a long way to go before I’m there.

…..

I actually won’t mind looking a bit older. People always think I’m younger and sometimes I think they don’t take me as seriously. If people start asking me if I’m Miranda’s grandmother however, back to hair colour!!

…..

I stopped coloring my hair after Cece was born (close to two years ago). I have a nice temple streak of grey and I like it. I get lots of compliments on it, actually. I have shorter dark hair so it stands out. I have a few stragglers but not too many – if I was grey all over I may dye it again, but I’m really liking my streak right now.

In Stuck in emotional turmoil, a new Forum poster points out all the mental gymnastics you go through in the thinking and trying stages. No matter how rational you are with every other decision you make, it’s completely normal to, well, go a little crazy with this one. 

…..

This is my first post to the forum. I am 38.5 and starred looking into using donor sperm a year ago. I have one child aged 14 who I have raised as a single mother (left relationship in early pregnancy). I have always wanted lots of children and straight after having her I wanted to have another,  but with a man in a loving relationship.

I have been with my last boyfriend for 9 years (from 29). He is older than me with 3 children but said he was happy to have children with me. After 5 years he said he didn’t want to do this and we split up over it. But then we have gone backwards and forwards for 4 years after this as he flip flops from saying he will to saying he won’t. I wanted it so badly I hung on and when I started approaching 38 I started to panic that it was now too late to try meet someone else to have a family with.

Over the past year I reconciled myself to being a single mother and using donor sperm. I still flip flopped ALOT over this, but by January this year I felt really positive about it. I was excited and felt totally ready.

Then my ex boyfriend back on the scene said not to do it that he had a change of heart and we could have a child together. (He has a vasectomy). This was very hard to get my head round initially and get myself back into the idea of us instead of just me. But I cancelled appointments, arranged an appointment to start the process of surgical sperm retrieval with icsci +ivf. The clinic said no problem with transferring my payment for iui (i had bought a 3 cycle package) to payment towards ivf.

After 2 weeks of this he told me he changed his mind and couldn’t go through with it. I was completely devastated. He then asked me to marry him (but no kids) to which I said no. He said I should just go back to donor sperm plan but in my mind I really struggled to feel the same way about it, having revived all my intense love for him and desire for a family with him.

About 2 months later I decided to just go ahead as planned with IUI but I was a total wreck on the day. I thought it was just nerves or just last minute grief over plan A so went ahead anyway.

This was a few days ago and now I feel a total mess. I feel like I don’t want it to have worked, which makes no sense to me at all and am in a state of panic and despair. Having all sorts of thoughts about not being able to cope, not wanting to be pregnant by stranger, not being able to bond with the baby. Thinking i should have waited longer or maybe i shouldn’t have done it at all, that I should have made a serious attempt to meet someone else instead. I feel like I am going insane.

I wondered if anyone else had such intense indecision AFTER having gone ahead with treatment or, offer me any advice? I would be immensely grateful.

Read the Forum responses here.

For those of you trying to conceive and wondering how to evaluate sperm banks, you’ll find some useful questions here Questions to Ask When Choosing a Sperm Bank.

Some examples in no particular order:

1) Price and prep types (and cost of shipping or fees for retrieving from storage)

2) Do they have adult photos of donors

3) Do they have audio interviews with donors

4) Do they have open ID donors and how does that work

5) Will they ship to your home (with or without doctor approval)

6) Can you sell back vials that you have in storage with the bank if you decide you do not need them anymore

7) What are the family limits and how is it tracked /enforced

8) Is there a forum for people who used the same donor to connect?

9) Is there a forum for donor conceived people to connect?

10) What kind of guarantees are there on counts

11) Can I see pregnancy data for the donor (like, pregnancies reported or not)

12) What they test for and how they test

Yes, yes, of course, yes being a mom is the most wonderful thing and the best job ever. BUT, you were someone fabulous before you had kids, and that fabulousness has not left you. Your life may be all about your kids, but there’s always room for more! Taking care of yourself just may mean Dipping my [our] toes in the dating pool!

…..

FROM THE FORUM

So I’m back on the forums and online dating!! Eek! I’m on Tinder, probably not the most promising but I figured would be fun to browse and chat. Well I had two really good connections, one with a man that lives 17 miles from me and one with a woman that lives around the same distance but works in Brooklyn where I live. Yes if you haven’t guessed it I’m bi. I feel like at this point in my life I want a long term relationship with a woman but not closed to men if the right guy comes along.

She has a daughter age 6 and her wife died one year ago from cancer. We have a lot on common and she is easy to talk to. She’s attractive and smart. And we both understand how tricky it is to get out with littles.

He has no children and is focused on his work. (Oddly brought they are in the same field) He says he can get out 1-2 times a week but doesn’t have much more time than that. ***** neither do I and 2 nights a week might be much for me. We have similar interests but very different lifestyles. I’m going on my first date in..damn 2 years! With him tonight.

I’m a little nervous about leaving my daughter for the first time and that I’m the heaviest I have ever been. But ***** it! I deserve a little fun so I won’t let my insecurities hold me back. Now to find something sexy and comfy to wear tonight! To the mall we go!

Wish me luck!!

Some funny moments brought to you by our very own!

…..

We received in the mail today a [free] Lego NBA star. While putting it together:

G: This does not look like him! [In an indignant voice] You pay for free, and this is what you get!?!

…..

Driving by the high school, I hear from the backseat:
“That’s high school. That’s where I’m going to be *pause* HIGH!”

I composed myself for a second and replied in a steady and neutral tone. “That is where you will be a STUDENT.”

…..

O: “Mommy, I love you more than cheese. (She loathes cheese.)

“Mommy.. (Mommy holds her breath hoping for more) I love you more than diarrhea.”

I can only go up from here, right? Right?

…..

Overheard at our house tonight….while watching a show on space.

R: “Mom, look, there is the Milky Way.”

A: “Where is the apple juice way?”

…..

Last night on the way home from daycare:

Me out loud to myself: Do I want to cook tonight?
Girls shouting from the back seat: NO!

…..

G: Fine! I will do my homework.
Me: Good.
G: Not for you but for TV.
Me: I don’t care.
G: That doesn’t sound like you. You care about everything.

…..

For more cute quotes like these,  check out the thread on our forum HERE.

Have you heard about FertilityIQ? I am very excited to share this great resource. FertilityIQ is a platform where verified fertility patients anonymously assess their fertility doctor, nurse, clinic, billing department and more. The data is free and really helps in choosing (or avoiding) a doctor or clinic.

SMC has an opportunity to both contribute to Fertility IQ and to benefit SMC. Thinkers and tryers can look up other women’s experiences with clinics and doctors. Those who are pregnant and already moms can help those just starting out by providing information about their experiences with fertility doctors.

We would appreciate your filling out a survey about your experiences with fertility doctors. FertilityIQ will make a donation to SMC for everyone referred by us who assesses their fertility doctor on their site!

To ensure that SMC gets credit for your survey, just type in “SMC” in answer to the question at the end that asks, “did someone suggest you assess your doctor?” (You can also forward this to anyone who may be interested in doing a survey. As long as they put “SMC” as the answer to that question, we will get a donation.)

Please be as detailed as possible so that others may benefit from your experience.

You can go here: https://www.fertilityiq.com/survey-intro to do an assessment of your fertility doctor.

Thanks to all in advance for filling out the surveys and for spreading the word about this!

Jane

You can see recent profiles of FertilityIQ in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times .

We’d like to wish a warm welcome and express our thanks to our newest SMC Contact Persons:

Debbie Carlo Houston, TX   debcarlo1973@gmail.com

Frances Ruiz  Asheville, NC  frances.ruiz@gmail.com

Emma Webb  Shawnee, KS  emma1420@gmail.com

Megan Shaeffer Sarasota, FL  megobite30@aol.com

Erin Jackson Destin, FL  erin.jackson10@gmail.com  

Michelle White Orange Pk, FL  magentasing@aol.com

Holly Macdonald-Korth  Miami, FL  hollymacdonaldkorth@gmail.com

Melissa Galea Margate (Fort Lauderdale), FL melly7000@aol.com

Audrey Daenzer  Fort Wayne, IN adaenzer@hotmail.com

Anne Gillespie  Madison, WI acgilles@mac.com

Elizabeth Harvey Seattle, WA   elizabeth.harvey1988@gmail.com

Karen Urlie Seattle, WA  smc.seattlecp@gmail.com 

Cindy Stefanovic Norwalk,CT  cindy.stefanovic@gmail.com

Tammy Silbey  Yonkers, NY   Mickey468@aol.com

Cyndi Garnto Acworth, GA  cyng5051@gmail.com 

Valentina Delli Santi Rome, Italy  v.dellisanti@gmail.com

Does your area need a Contact Person (CP)? Might you want to be one? Do you have any questions about being a CP? Just let us know and we’ll be glad to discuss it with you. Contact Jane at our office: office@singlemothersbychoice.org