Table of Contents
From the Editor
The end of 2018 is approaching as I write this, and – as I’m sure every SMC can relate to – I’m so busy that I feel like my lists have lists.
In addition to keeping track of the minutiae of everyday life – are there important forms in the blizzard of paper that comes home from school? Do we have enough food in the house? Just where ARE those mittens? – there’s also more substantive tasks related to preparing for the holidays and the new year. I feel some pressure to actively create good memories for my child, and reluctance to complain about being overwhelmed, since this was a life that I chose. But my resolution for 2019 is to try to rid myself of some that self-imposed pressure. The times I remember feeling most loved by and connected to my own parents is when we were able to slow down. I hope that 2019 offers an opportunity for you to do the same: exhale, connect with yourself and with your children, and remember that something doesn’t have to be perfect to be very, very good.
(Also, invest in some mitten clips.)
Book Review
Random Families: Genetic Strangers, Sperm Donor Siblings and the Creation of New Kin, by Rosanna Hertz and Margaret K. Nelson
When my son was born, I dutifully registered on both the sperm bank’s website and the independently-run Donor Sibling Registry. The sperm bank required such registration in order to adhere to its rules around willing-to-be-known donors, but I wasn’t quite sure what my purpose was in registering on the DSR. At that time, I didn’t want contact with donor siblings; I worried that would somehow make my child less special. But I thought that these are people who should know that another child to the donor had been born.
Eventually my curiosity got the better of me, and I made myself known to other families who used the same donor. I now know of 17 children in our donor network, I have managed to meet about a dozen of them, and I participate in a lively little private Facebook group. The children are all under 7 years old, and are spread throughout the United States, Canada, Europe and Australia.
I’m not alone in navigating these new ties. It’s hard to even know the language to use for one another. Are these children “family?” What is my connection to them, and to their mothers? My group seems to have easily adopted the term “brother” and “sister” to describe the relationship among donor siblings, even among the mothers who are raising more than one child in the same household. But is that same easy familiarity going to feel as comfortable to all of us as the children grow older?
In the new book Random Families, sociologists Rosanna Hertz and Margaret Nelson explore five social networks of families and children who are connected through the same sperm donor. Hertz and Nelson offer no value judgments on how these families navigate these relationships; rather, they outline in some detail how these families came together and in some cases, broke apart and rearranged themselves.
The networks are quite different: in one case, the donor is known to the siblings and has participated in a limited way in some gatherings. In another group the children consider themselves to be just “related strangers.” In yet another, the parents have proactively banded together while their children are still young. This latter group, described as “social capitalists,” are where I see myself: the parents have come together for benefits “includ[ing] a large number of social ties they hope will advantage their children in the future.”
Because of the research framework of this book, the writing can feel academic. The authors interviewed over 350 people for this work—over half of the parents interviewed were single mothers—and sometimes it is hard to keep track of the participants who make their way into the narrative. (Though some do stand out, like the teenage boy who found an early connection to two of his siblings through their shared love of My Little Pony.)
However, the book comes alive in the chapters describing the actual networks. Though Hertz and Nelson don’t offer “best practices” for creating kinship groups, they offer an important corrective both to those who think that nurture trumps nature, as well as to those who may assume that early warm ties will last, simply because of the genetic connection. Families and children change, and one lesson I took away is to not to be hurt if our not-so-small group atomizes in the future.
In the meantime, I find myself drawn to a mother who says that she would be happy just creating a free-floating sense of good will among the families. “Maybe it just means that these people smile on [the donor siblings] and think kind thoughts and hope good things for them. I feel fine about that.” Me, too.
Additional information:
Hertz was a guest on a recent episode of On Point, from WBUR Radio: https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/12/06/sperm-donation-kids-sibling-network-genetic-family
The WBUR link contains links to additional articles on connected donors siblings.
Family Building
I plan to periodically post questions on the SMC board so that we can learn more about our membership. The first poll asked participants how they created their families. The results are below.
Things Our Kids Say:
James and my neighbor, Anthony, as he carved the (small) turkey.
James: why is this turkey so small?
Anthony: well I guess he didn’t take his vitamins when he was a kid.
James: huh. Did you not take your vitamins as a kid?Thank goodness Anthony is confident in his short height!
***
Bronwen talking about her future family.
B: I’m going to have 12 babies. 1 boy and then 11 girls and you are going to live with me. They can snuggle together and you can snuggle with me.
Me: Will you have a husband?
B: No, that would be too many people.***
“Mommy, How does a girl dog make puppies?”
“It’s like humans, it takes an egg and a seed.”
With Emphasis: “Why does it have to be an egg and a seed, why can’t it be ham and turkey?!”
I will never look at ham and turkey the same ever again.Ask the Doctor
Home insemination: Is it for you?
Like millions of other women, you have made the choice to have a child on your own. Where do you begin? You probably know the basics; a sperm attaches to an egg and nine months later a smiling bundle of joy arrives. Biology aside, you may be wondering if you are a good candidate for home insemination or if you should seek medical assistance.
Let me start by saying before you attempt to become pregnant you should seek the advice of your doctor to assure you are in good enough health to become pregnant and carry a pregnancy. A consultation with a doctor (even if it is just your primary care physician) can often point out and resolve any issues that may make it more difficult for you to become pregnant.
While infertility is a big issue in America, most women are fertile. So if you have ruled out underlying fertility issues, some sperm, timing, and a little luck is all you need. If you have some measure of infertility, home insemination may still be an option, but is dependent on the diagnosis. Women with ovulation problems, unexplained infertility, and mild endometriosis can still become pregnant using home insemination. Home insemination is not likely to be effective if both fallopian tubes are blocked, you have severe pelvic scarring, or severe endometriosis.
Intracervical insemination (ICI) or home insemination, is successful 1-20% of the time depending on age and reproductive health. A 44-year-old woman with unexplained infertility has a success rate of 1% per month while a 27-year-old without a history of infertility will have a 20% chance per month.
How many attempts should you make before seeking medical assistance? It depends on age and diagnosis. Women without an infertility history are more likely to get pregnant in the first three attempts than in subsequent attempts. Most fertility experts recommend 3-6 insemination attempts before seeking medical assistance.
If you timed your ovulation carefully, tried 3-5 insemination cycles without success, a medication prescribed by your physician may increase your chances to become pregnant through home insemination and should be attempted before giving up or moving to IVF. Prescriptions and in-office procedures can help stimulate ovulation, open blocked fallopian tubes, and help with mild endometriosis. When these situations are improved, your success at home insemination increases greatly.
Mr. Burke has worked in the reproductive industry for over 15 years. Working as an andrologist and embryologist he has helped thousands of couples achieve their dream of becoming parents. Over the years he has run embryology, research, and diagnostic andrology laboratories. As Tissue Bank Director of Cryos since 2014, Mr. Burke is responsible for the safety and quality of donors and donor products as well as the scientific direction of the laboratories.
What's the Buzz?
We’d like to wish a warm welcome and express our thanks to our newest SMC Contact Persons:
Robyn Snyder- Boston, MA robyn_snyder@comcast.net
Lindy Johnson- Boise, ID lindyjhnsn@gmail.com
Susana Sanchez- Kansas City, KS sjsanchez_ku@hotmail.com
Carma Wallace- Princeville (Kauai), HI carma.wallace@gmail.com
Abby Feldman- Sante Fe, NM abigail.f.feldman@gmail.com
Katie Oleksak- Northampton, MA koleksak@gmail.com
Caitlin Kerwin- Yukon, Canada caitlinkerwin@hotmail.com
Kelly Cullen- Chicago, IL Cullenkelly@gmail.com
Does your area need a Contact Person (CP)? Might you want to be one? Do you have any questions about being a CP? Just let us know and we’ll be glad to discuss it with you. Contact Jane at our office: office@singlemothersbychoice.org
Free Lifetime Membership for Long-term Members
I am happy to announce a new policy for long-term SMC members! We are giving our long-term (5 years or more) members a “Thank You” gift of a Lifetime Membership in SMC as a token of appreciation for your ongoing support over the many years of membership. Lifetime Membership will give you continuing access to the SMC Forum and our quarterly Newsletter.
Going forward, if finances permit, this gift will be given to everyone who hits the five-year point in their membership. We will notify you when you are eligible for this Lifetime Membership status.
Some members have asked how they can thank us by making a contribution to SMC. There is no requirement or expectation that you do so, but if you would like to give us a gift, you can make a donation at any time on almost any of the pages on our website, except the home page. Also, you might want to make SMC your designated charity on Amazon Smile, which gives us a percentage of your purchases at no cost to you. To do that, go to http://smile.amazon.com/ch/11-2664913 But donations are completely optional – there’s no need to do anything other than to enjoy your membership!
Lastly, if you are in touch with someone who has left SMC, please let them know that if they were a member for five years or more, and they’d like to return, this offer applies to them too. Spread the word!
Thank you again for your continuing participation, and let me know if you have any questions.
-Jane
SMC-Fertility IQ
Have you heard about FertilityIQ? I am very excited to share this great resource. FertilityIQ is a platform where verified fertility patients anonymously assess their fertility doctor, nurse, clinic, billing department and more. The data is free and really helps in choosing (or avoiding) a doctor or clinic.
SMC has an opportunity to both contribute to Fertility IQ and to benefit SMC. Thinkers and tryers can look up other women’s experiences with clinics and doctors. Those who are pregnant and already moms can help those just starting out by providing information about their experiences with fertility doctors.
We would appreciate your filling out a survey about your experiences with fertility doctors. FertilityIQ will make a donation to SMC for everyone referred by us who assesses their fertility doctor on their site!
To ensure that SMC gets credit for your survey, just type in “SMC” in answer to the question at the end that asks, “did someone suggest you assess your doctor?” (You can also forward this to anyone who may be interested in doing a survey. As long as they put “SMC” as the answer to that question, we will get a donation.)
Please be as detailed as possible so that others may benefit from your experience.
You can go here: https://www.fertilityiq.com/survey-intro to do an assessment of your fertility doctor.
Thanks to all in advance for filling out the surveys and for spreading the word about this!
Jane
You can read profiles of FertilityIQ in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times .