Random Families: Genetic Strangers, Sperm Donor Siblings and the Creation of New Kin, by Rosanna Hertz and Margaret K. Nelson
When my son was born, I dutifully registered on both the sperm bank’s website and the independently-run Donor Sibling Registry. The sperm bank required such registration in order to adhere to its rules around willing-to-be-known donors, but I wasn’t quite sure what my purpose was in registering on the DSR. At that time, I didn’t want contact with donor siblings; I worried that would somehow make my child less special. But I thought that these are people who should know that another child to the donor had been born.
Eventually my curiosity got the better of me, and I made myself known to other families who used the same donor. I now know of 17 children in our donor network, I have managed to meet about a dozen of them, and I participate in a lively little private Facebook group. The children are all under 7 years old, and are spread throughout the United States, Canada, Europe and Australia.
I’m not alone in navigating these new ties. It’s hard to even know the language to use for one another. Are these children “family?” What is my connection to them, and to their mothers? My group seems to have easily adopted the term “brother” and “sister” to describe the relationship among donor siblings, even among the mothers who are raising more than one child in the same household. But is that same easy familiarity going to feel as comfortable to all of us as the children grow older?
In the new book Random Families, sociologists Rosanna Hertz and Margaret Nelson explore five social networks of families and children who are connected through the same sperm donor. Hertz and Nelson offer no value judgments on how these families navigate these relationships; rather, they outline in some detail how these families came together and in some cases, broke apart and rearranged themselves.
The networks are quite different: in one case, the donor is known to the siblings and has participated in a limited way in some gatherings. In another group the children consider themselves to be just “related strangers.” In yet another, the parents have proactively banded together while their children are still young. This latter group, described as “social capitalists,” are where I see myself: the parents have come together for benefits “includ[ing] a large number of social ties they hope will advantage their children in the future.”
Because of the research framework of this book, the writing can feel academic. The authors interviewed over 350 people for this work—over half of the parents interviewed were single mothers—and sometimes it is hard to keep track of the participants who make their way into the narrative. (Though some do stand out, like the teenage boy who found an early connection to two of his siblings through their shared love of My Little Pony.)
However, the book comes alive in the chapters describing the actual networks. Though Hertz and Nelson don’t offer “best practices” for creating kinship groups, they offer an important corrective both to those who think that nurture trumps nature, as well as to those who may assume that early warm ties will last, simply because of the genetic connection. Families and children change, and one lesson I took away is to not to be hurt if our not-so-small group atomizes in the future.
In the meantime, I find myself drawn to a mother who says that she would be happy just creating a free-floating sense of good will among the families. “Maybe it just means that these people smile on [the donor siblings] and think kind thoughts and hope good things for them. I feel fine about that.” Me, too.
Additional information:
Hertz was a guest on a recent episode of On Point, from WBUR Radio: https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/12/06/sperm-donation-kids-sibling-network-genetic-family
The WBUR link contains links to additional articles on connected donors siblings.
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