Table of Contents
From the Editor
The “lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer” have an undeniable appeal. But I find I really appreciate the arrival of autumn. For me, it brings a welcome relief from the nagging pressure that my son and I have to pack activities into every hour of those long, long days. I feel no guilt saying no to activities that might interfere with an early bedtime–getting enough sleep on a school night is the priority now. One activity per weekend day is plenty; no more going to the park in the morning, coming home for a break and then heading to the pool for the afternoon. As the season goes on, the activities will ramp up again, with trick-or-treating, hayrides to enjoy, and S’mores to be roasted over campfires. But for now, I’m enjoying a moment to catch my breath. I hope that you are also enjoying autumn’s joys.
Building Families:
This periodic series explores the different paths to motherhood within our community. Tania conceived her son via anonymous sperm donation. Her daughter was the result of an embryo donated from an unlikely source. This is adapted from her blog, the Uh Oh Diaries:
When my friends announce their pregnancies I often find myself thinking how strange it must be to get pregnant from having sex. I cannot fathom what conception without needles and penis shaped wands must be like. How very unscientific it must be. How utterly painless and stress free. Does pregnancy feel the same when it happens so effortlessly?
As I sunk yet another needle into my black, blue and yellow stomach I knew one thing for sure. I was done trying. I had subjected my body to three rounds of IVF and it wasn’t working. I was no longer envisioning the end result. Instead I was cursing and vowing this was it. I was done. I could see all of the perks of having an only child and I tried to forget about the negatives.
When that final attempt failed my RE suggested trying another round with a different protocol. She reminded me it would be covered by my health insurance. It would not, however, be covered by my mental health.
I could not have said NO any quicker.
So I went about my life resigned to be the parent of an only child.
Then we went to our dibling reunion. We had an amazing time.
On the last day the mother with whom I am closest brought up my recent struggles. She offered to donate to me her remaining embryos.
If anyone has done IVF and found themselves with leftover embryos then I’m sure you can relate to how hard it is to know what to do with them. It is hard not to imagine the little people they could become. To compare them to your existing child and wonder how alike they might have been. But we don’t all have the resources to keep on having children until we empty the freezer so what to do?
You have a few options.
You can pay to keep them frozen in time forever
You can destroy them
You can donate them to science
You can donate them anonymously
You can donate them to someone you know
Of course this isn’t something one enters into without a lot of thought. This wasn’t the first time she had mentioned it, although prior to this it had been half in jest. We talked at length about the ramifications, about how this would make us feel long-term. So we both went to therapists. She talked to her family/friends and the people who knew her best. Once they gave her the encouragement that she needed her heart was set and her mind was made up.
I am beyond lucky that this amazing woman decided that she would like to donate to me. What a gift. There are no words to convey it.
We spoke to lawyers and drafted up an agreement. She went for extra testing (at the request of my clinic!) We did a ton of paperwork and finally, after a month or two we shipped two PGD tested embryos across the country to my clinic.
Once again, I cannot fully put into words what it means to me. It feels belittling to call it a gift. It feels surreal and otherworldly. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn’t struggle enough for this child. I know this is irrational, but it’s a feeling that, at times is hard to shake.
On the other hand, I felt an enormous sense of peace. I was scared of my own genetics. I was scared of my age, of my family history of strife between siblings and of what treatments were doing to my body. This option was perfect. Tested embryos from a woman I know, admire and trust. A woman who will be happy to connect with my child and answer any questions she has about her heritage when she becomes curious about such things. I love that we will see her Maternal donor at least once a year. Most of all I love that we had a pre-existing friendship which has only become stronger since embarking on this unusual, but beautiful journey.
At the end of August I transferred an embryo. I was full of optimism and excited about a May baby. I was on vacation with a group of SMCs on the day I knew I would get a positive home pregnancy test, if it were to be so. I thought it was the perfect crowd to be surrounded by and celebrate with.
The test was negative.
I was surprised by how crestfallen I was. I had let my hopes rise. I was so sure that I finally had a foolproof plan. I also felt as though I had let my friend down. Maybe I had done something wrong and that’s why it hadn’t worked. I didn’t want to waste all of her hard work!!
I took off a couple of months. I went to see my amazing Mayan abdominal massage therapist. I took a 2-week vacation to Mexico and drank Micheladas whilst popping Estrace pills twice daily. I got back into a good headspace.
Upon my return I transferred my last perfect embryo. I didn’t tell anyone, except for my Mother, that it was transfer day. It was an uneventful transfer (unlike my son’s, which had been pretty traumatic!)
Five days later, I woke up feeling as though I’d been hit by a bus. I felt so sick! I could barely function. I awoke the next day feeling much the same. I peed on a stick and this time I was 99 percent sure of the outcome.
A few minutes later a little pink line appeared.
PREGNANT
I sent a picture of the test to the Maternal donor… and then, for the first time in a long time, I felt true excitement.
Advice to Tryers on Getting Started
A number of SMCs on our national forum responded to that question, “what’s one piece of advice for those starting their SMC journey?” Here’s a sample of some unique responses:
♦ Set your bills to Auto pay. There were times in the early months where getting bills paid was a major hurdle (and I had an easy baby!)—Laura
♦ For prospective adoptive SMCs: Don’t purchase anything before placement. Buy only a few things after a placement. The most important thing to have on hand after being approved is a carseat.—Joy
♦ Have a list, either physical or in your mind, of practical and real things that people can do for you. People who offer to help (mostly) genuinely want to help – so have a few different tasks ready to go. This is still relevant months after the birth!—Morag
♦ Buy life insurance before trying to get pregnant since it’s based on your current health and weight.—Liz
♦ Buy a year’s worth of tampons/liners/new cup or whatever you use. There’s nothing worse than spending money on your period after a failed cycle.—Tania
♦ Don’t set your mind in stone about what will happen – that TTC will happen in a certain way, that you will get pregnant in a specific month, or that raising your child will happen a certain way. Everything about parenting, from trying to become a mom to sending them off to college, is full of surprises and nothing will happen the way you expect it to.—Cyndi
♦ Don’t wait. I know that we’re only ready when we’re ready, and I wouldn’t want anyone (married, single, whatever) to RUSH into parenthood. But if you think you’re pretty much ready, get on with it.—Christina
Ask the Doctor
Tips for Choosing your Perfect Sperm Donor Match
by Michelle Ottey, PhD, ALD/HCLD (ABB)
Director of Operations, Fairfax CryobankBeing ready to have a child doesn’t mean being partnered. For many Single Mothers by Choice (SMCs), being ready to be a mother is about a feeling, timing, and resources. One important resource is the sperm bank, guiding you to the ideal sperm donor.
Choosing a sperm donor is an important part of the journey toward motherhood and can be a bit daunting. Choose a respected and established sperm bank that provides the best tested highest quality donors. Start with a list of desired characteristics; what are the “must haves.” For some this may be a similar ethic origin to their own, for others it is physical features like height or hair color, and for others it may be education. There are hundreds of options to choose from, starting with a list of characteristics and qualities you value will help to whittle down the initial list.
Donor informational products help you choose the perfect sperm donor, including donor photos, audio interviews, personal profiles, staff impressions, etc. Using these resources from the sperm bank will give you insight into the donors and their personalities. Choosing a donor with possible heritable characteristics for your child is significant, exciting, and fun. If you need or want assistance, client service representatives can work with you, one on one, to find options that match what you are looking for in a donor. Many SMCs choose to involve close friends or family to help choose a donor.
Visit the Fairfax Cryobank Donor Search to enter your search queries to funnel the list down from 450+ donors to your final few favorites. When you’re ready to make your family dreams a reality, Fairfax Cryobank is here to help you find the perfect sperm donor match.
Michelle Ottey is the Laboratory Director and Director of Operations at Fairfax Cyrobank Inc., Cryogenic Laboratories, and Pacific Reproductive Services. She received her BA in Biology from Rosemont College and a PhD in Genetics from Thomas Jefferson University. Michelle is responsible for managing the labs of the Cryobank which includes staff and donor management, working with Client Depositors and Directed Donors, and the storage program for semen, embryos and reproductive tissues.
Book Reviews
We Got This: Solo Mom Stories of Grit, Heart and Humor
Edited by Marika Lindholm, Cheryl Dumesnil, Dominica Ruta, and Katherine Shonk
Marika Lindholm loves “solo moms.” The founder of the social platform Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere, or ESME, she wants mothers to recognize how much they have in common, despite differences in age, race, culture, or route to motherhood.
Lindholm and her co-editors collected an anthology of 75 short pieces that tell the stories of all kinds of mothers. The collection includes poems, quotes, excerpts from longer works, and essays written just for this anthology. There are single mothers by choice, but they are only one thread in the tapestry; many of the essays also explore the rocky terrain of divorce, or the searing pain of widowhood.
Some of the inclusions in the book fall a little flat. Reflecting on the loveliness of a child’s laughter is cliched, even if the words come from actress (and single mother by choice) Charlize Theron.
But others essayists meditate on topics that deserved to be talked about more, such as artist Staceyann Chin’s piece on how her pregnancy was another form of “coming out.”
“Most of the other LGBT faces offer up congratulations, until they find out I’m doing it without a partner or co-parent,” Chin writes. “Lips are pursed. Sighs are delivered. And then silence ensues.”
My impulse with this anthology was to skim through and see which essays are about mothers that are just like me. While the lives and experiences of SMCs are included—and some essays, such as those on dating, are fairly universal—the ghostly presence of men permeates the anthology: men who are missing, men who have died, men who failed to live up to their promises.
The anthology does serve its purpose to place single mothers in a larger context: how we become mothers is not as important, this book claims, as our deep love for our children and our own worthiness to receive love. If a reader wants to look beyond the SMC experience to other forms of solo motherhood, this book offers a welcome embrace.
Where Else Do Babies Come From?
By Hope A.C. Bentley, Illustrated by Kate Renner
This charmingly illustrated book aimed at younger readers has a good purpose: to introduce the basics of assisted reproductive technology in child-appropriate language. However, the book introduces some ideas that may end up being more confusing than clarifying for the target audience.
The book, narrated by a smiling sperm cell, explains that to make a baby, you need an egg “from a woman,” a sperm “from a man” and “a woman’s” healthy uterus (unfortunately, this leaves out transgender parents.) The book goes on to explain that there’s a fourth ingredient needed, “mystery.”
Here, the talking sperm narrator gives an aside to the reader, saying that they need to fill in the blanks. “Some of you believe the mystery is religious or spiritual or scientific or all three. Some will know what the mystery is, some will not.” I did not, and I stumbled over this passage when I was reading the book to my son. The concept comes up again, as the author describes a family of two parents that has “eggs, sperm and a uterus, but they can’t find the mystery anywhere.”
(An aside: single mothers are given a subtle acknowledgement in one illustration, which depicts a woman flying a plane with the call sign “SMC 1000,” towing a banner that reads “Got Sperm? Call 1-555-MEET-EGG.”)
The introduction of a mysterious force needed for successful conception exists in tension with the rest of the book, which is otherwise down to earth. The book plainly states that sometimes a sperm or egg or uterus just don’t work right on their own. It describes where eggs come from, where sperm comes from (“they come right out of a man’s penis by the millions,”) and that sometimes, a doctor’s help is needed to bring them together. No mysteries required.
The drawings are cute and the basic information is sound. This can be a good resource for mothers who don’t quite know where to start with the conversation. Just be prepared to define that “mystery” for yourself, so you can help out your curious kids.
What's the Buzz?
We’d like to wish a warm welcome and express our thanks to our newest SMC Contact Persons:
Abigail Wolfson- San Miguel de Allende, Mexico abigail.wolfson@gmail.com
Andrea Weaver- Salt Lake City, UT andreawea@gmail.com
Carrie Grassi- Brooklyn, NY carrie.grassi@gmail.com
Jackie Strohmenger- Jacksonville Beach, FL jstrohme1974@yahoo.com
Kristin Hughes- Cincinnati, OH hughes_kristin@hotmail.com
Valerie Kameya- Burbank, CA vkameya@gmail.com
Does your area need a Contact Person (CP)? Might you want to be one? Do you have any questions about being a CP? Just let us know and we’ll be glad to discuss it with you. Contact Jane at our office: office@singlemothersbychoice.org
The Things Kids Say!
Alice and I were reading a new SMC type book about donors last night and I got tongue tied when I said “a donor and a doctor.” She heard that as “donut” and thought it was hilarious. She kept saying silly things like, “mom ate a donut and had me!” And “I have a donut, not a dad!”
♦ Rosie: Mommy, look! (holding up a little flower weed). This just fell out of the ground!
♦ G: What’s that?
Me: It’s just an undergarment to make my shirt feel smooth (Spanx tank).
G: I like it better when you let the blubber hang out, because that’s the real you.
Me: Thank you honey (I took it off).♦ “Mom, what do cowgirls wear when they ride their cows?”
♦ While eating a sandwich:
C, in a swoony voice: Those pickles were past the spot…
Me: Do you mean they hit the spot?
C: No they were so tasty, they’re past the spot!♦ Grandma: K, you are so sweet, I bet you will take care of me when I’m older.
K: Yes, I will.
Grandma: Oh? What will you do?
K: (thinking, and finally):
K: I will change your diapers.
SMC- Fertility IQ
Have you heard about FertilityIQ? I am very excited to share this great resource. FertilityIQ is a platform where verified fertility patients anonymously assess their fertility doctor, nurse, clinic, billing department and more. The data is free and really helps in choosing (or avoiding) a doctor or clinic.
SMC has an opportunity to both contribute to Fertility IQ and to benefit SMC. Thinkers and tryers can look up other women’s experiences with clinics and doctors. Those who are pregnant or already moms can help those just starting out by providing information about their fertility doctors.
We would appreciate your filling out a survey about your experiences with fertility doctors. And FertilityIQ will make a donation to SMC for everyone referred by us who assesses their fertility doctor on their site!
To ensure that SMC gets credit for your survey, just type in “SMC” in answer to the question at the end that asks, “did someone suggest you assess your doctor?” (You can also forward this to anyone who may be interested in doing a survey. As long as they put “SMC” as the answer to that question, we will get credit.)
Please be as detailed as possible so that others may benefit from your experience.
You can go here: https://www.fertilityiq.com/survey-intro to do an assessment of your fertility doctor.
Thanks to all in advance for filling out the surveys and for spreading the word about this!
Jane
You can see profiles of FertilityIQ in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times .