Happy new year, SMC thinkers, tryers, and moms! 2020 has marked the beginning of an exciting, brand-new chapter of my life, but I’m glad to bid farewell to this year. For me the promise of the third trimester of my first pregnancy coincides with the relief that 2021 promises — new coronavirus vaccines and a healthier, safer spring after the winter.

I’ve never been a big maker of new year’s resolutions, but I do like the way a resolution ties our hopes for the future to specific actions in the present. So, instead of resolutions, this year I’m remembering the first meeting I had with a reproductive endocrinologist in late 2019. My reading had made me fairly certain about what, at 41, I needed to do: I was ready to move forward with IVF using a donor.

But the numbers are sobering. While there are many ways to calculate, the clinic’s statistics indicated that fewer than 10% of women my age who began an IVF cycle using their own eggs would end up having a live birth. With that in mind, I began my IVF cycle — the only one I would be able to afford — by telling myself that it was unlikely there would be a baby at the end of it. While I knew I’d regret not trying, I didn’t want to be heartbroken if it didn’t happen. I avoided planning in too much detail for motherhood. I tried to trim my hopes to fit into the 10% gap, while making grand plans for what I would do (travel, of course, and learn a new language!) if the procedures failed.

To my surprise, the process began to work: follicles grew, eggs were retrieved, some fertilized and made it to day 5, one was transferred and stuck, the embryo was visible and then growing. At each stage, I realized, the relevant statistics became more encouraging. Now, with each passing day, it becomes more and more likely that at winter’s end I will be a mother. Where I had previously worked to keep my plans for the future contained and manageable, I’m now expanding my hopes and readying myself for all of the complexities and joy of a new baby.

When I think back to where I started—researching my options, joining Single Mothers by Choice, making that intimidating first doctor’s appointment —it’s comforting to know that even the most hesitant of first steps can lead to life-changing outcomes. In place of resolutions, then, I’m sending all of you wishes for the strength to take your own small steps in nurturing big hopes and dreams, whatever they may be.

More and more of us live in communities where non-nuclear families are well represented, and where family, friends, and neighbors are supportive of single moms by choice. But it’s inevitable that many of us will face other people’s skepticism and criticism, too. In the Thinkers section of our Forum, C. described her disappointment when she told friends she was planning to start trying on her own and they responded negatively.

Our SMCs had lots of great advice. Nearly everyone pointed out that some people are simply unfamiliar with the idea of deliberately choosing single motherhood. E. writes, “The first time we tell other people may be the first time they’ve ever thought seriously about someone using a donor or trying to be a single mom intentionally. So the reactions may not always be what we want.”

Friends who have partners and kids may find the thought of doing it alone hard to fathom, O. points out: “I have found that many people simply cannot understand our choice — to them, the idea of parenting alone seems impossible and overwhelming.” Or they may have trouble imagining a route to parenthood so different than the norm, as R. points out: “I think it can be hard/intimidating for some people when they encounter someone who is willing to take risks and go outside the norm to live the life they want. We all want to think that we could do it — like famous explorers or adventurers or astronauts or whatever!— but SMCs are doing it. We are making a conscious choice to walk an atypical path because we want something for our lives (children, family) and that is worth the risk and adventure. That’s hard for some people to relate to.”

Luckily, one upside to friends’ and acquaintances’ unfamiliarity with SMCs is that their initially negative reactions may well change over time. H. writes, “People’s reaction to this news is not at all an indication that they won’t be excited once you’re pregnant or hugely supportive of you and your child. I’ve absolutely found that once you’re a mom, you’re a mom. The details of how just aren’t as important.”

Similarly, telling friends and acquaintances once a new family member is already on the way (rather than while you’re still thinking or just beginning to pursue pregnancy or adoption) may be a more affirming experience. M. says, “Once you are pregnant and tell people that there’s a real-life baby on the way, and you are clearly excited about it, it would take a real grump to react negatively to it. Doesn’t mean that grumps aren’t out there — I did encounter a couple — but for me the response has been overwhelmingly positive.”

It’s also, SMCs say, totally fine to keep your distance from friends who can’t support you and instead build deeper relationships with those who can. V. writes, “I became good friends with someone who had previously been only a friend-of-a-friend because she was so supportive during the process. Maybe you can focus your friendship energy on those people who seem like they might be supportive.”

Regardless of how others respond, don’t forget to celebrate your decision. B. writes, “You are the most important person in your future child’s life. You are who matters.” W. points out that ultimately, “the vast, vast majority of people don’t care nearly as much about your life decisions as you might think (or hope) they do. […] I have found this realization to be incredibly freeing in allowing me to live my life just as I want. You do you. Those who don’t care, don’t matter.”

Finally, whether or not you have real-life support, the SMC member Forums can be an invaluable resource for finding a nurturing community.

Back in September, our SMC Blog posted our member Elaine’s beautiful meditation on making space for mourning even during moments of celebration and love, “Honoring Grief in the Midst of Joy.” For moms to-be or single moms grappling with a sense of loss, whether recent or long past, her essay helps us remember that it’s normal for struggles to stay with us long after they’ve past, and that happiness is not diminished by acknowledging the pain the precedes it. Elaine wrote,

I take absolute and unfettered joy in my daughter every day–I even felt that joy as I was weeping uncontrollably. She was worth every single one of those moments of pain, depression, and sadness to get to her; I know I couldn’t love her any more if she’d grown inside me. But as any mother knows who has experienced a loss — through miscarriage or stillbirth, through failed adoptions, through attempt after attempt of unsuccessful IUI or IVF – even if the story has a happy ending, it doesn’t erase all of the suffering that preceded it.

Here, I think, is what it boils down to: I don’t regret at all that I was unable to conceive or carry a child, or that those other two matches failed, because then I wouldn’t have Z. who is perfection. But I sometimes have moments like this one where I grieve so hard for that person I was before Z. came into my life – for the suffering she (I) endured, for the pain and hopelessness she always felt, for every struggle she survived through. I grieve for what she endured, even while I’m so happy for her that she finally got what she worked so hard for.

As we enter into an unprecedented winter, after what for many has been an unusually anxious and isolated year, it’s worth revisiting some of the stories that SMCs shared in response to Elaine’s essay.

I’ve felt uncomfortable still holding/feeling that grief and associated emotions because now I have a beautiful 14-month-old. It’s all meant to be sorted now, right?? Nope.

I guess those emotions, experiences, and the wee souls who didn’t make it, are still a part of me and my story, and always will be. Just as now my son is my sun and my moon, they can be my stars. —P.

I was miserable ALL the time and couldn’t enjoy being pregnant at all. I wanted this baby so much but I also wanted to not be pregnant anymore. And yes, this lasted the entire pregnancy. The nausea did not lift until after my son was born and the placenta had been delivered.

My son is 16 now, and it’s not like I think about this on a daily basis. But I do still have regrets that I didn’t get to enjoy the experience of pregnancy. Feeling my son move inside me was an awe-inspiring experience, but the rest of it? A complete nightmare. And I feel like I was cheated out of something— not in the same way as women who have infertility do, but in its own way, it was also a type of loss. Being a mom IS wonderful, but it doesn’t erase everything that came before. —J.

As I write, my 7-week-old beautiful son is snoring in my arms. How can I possibly have any grief?

But I still break down in tears when I think about the fact that I could not meet him until the 4th day of his birth and I had to leave him at NICU for 4 long weeks. I probably cried every day of those 4 weeks except when I was on a ventilator in ICU.

I am extremely thankful and grateful that we both survived the ordeal, are healthy, are finally together at home, and are enjoying every moment. […] I am probably spoiling his habits by holding him too much or kissing him too much. No matter what I do, I guess that I will never get over the unnatural separation we experienced. —N.

I got pregnant easily and had an uneventful pregnancy but every single day that I am filled with joy for my daughter, I am absolutely gutted that my mom will never meet her. Mother’s Day this year was especially difficult. And while I am so grateful that life has lead me to being G.’s mom, I am so full of anger at people who have mothers and babies who have grandmothers. It feels selfish in a way considering my fertility journey was nothing like what others have suffered, but being a mom brings a different sort of pain when you’re missing your own kickass mom. —K.

This isn’t about infertility […] It’s about the grief that comes with having a special needs child. I love my son so much and I couldn’t imagine not being his mother, but this also isn’t the motherhood I envisioned. It’s never been easy, never. […] I mourn not having the other experience of motherhood, I mourn that his life has been hard and continues to be hard. There has been a lot of joy as well, but if I could make his life and my life easier, I would immediately. —D.

I like to think of the shadowlands as a foreign country. If you have never visited you have no clue, but if you have been brushed by the shadows, like in “thin places” of loss or disappointment, you will be haunted forever. […] One of the powerful things about the shadowlands is that if you embrace them, every moment of joy or beauty is ever more precious, because you know so well the fleeting fragility of it all… —S.

The Child Mind Institute’s article “Single Parenting During the Coronavirus Crisis,” by Juliann Garey, suggests a surprising first step for single parents coping with the pandemic—acceptance. Here’s how to  think about acceptance and why it might help:

Acceptance might sound absurd in the face of such a challenging situation, but think of it this way: Accepting the situation you’re in doesn’t mean you have to like it. Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, recommends a mindfulness concept called “radical acceptance,” which means that you accept what is happening in the moment without judgment, rather than fighting what you’re experiencing. It also means accepting the feelings you have—including things like anger and frustration. When you’re stuck in a bad situation, check in with yourself. What is—and isn’t—out of your control? Once you’ve acknowledged what you can’t  control, you’ll be able move forward to improve what you can control. Radical acceptance could enable you to:

• Acknowledge that right now, you are in survival mode. Be kind to yourself, and remember that though it may feel lonely, you are not alone. Everyone is going through this in one way or another. “If I read one more article about how this is a great time to reorganize my closet, I’m going to lose it,” says Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “I think we want to dispel the myth that this is a good time to work on things. This is a time to survive and get by and that’s okay.”

• Set the parenting bar lower. Accept that there are going to be some days when if you can get everybody fed and bathed and squeeze in a little activity, that is a good day. “If you can move the bar up just a little one day a week, great,” says Dr. Lee. “And if it falls back down again the next day, that’s okay.”

• Settle for less academics. It’s virtually impossible to work from home and be your kid’s teacher five days a week. “If you can manage to do academic work with your child three days a week instead of five, that’s great,” says Dr. Lee. “If you can only do two right now, that’s okay too.” It can also be helpful to check in with teachers when you feel comfortable doing so, since they may be able to give extra support in stressful situations or even just provide additional time to complete assignments.

• Go back to basics. Try setting your priorities for the day in the morning. What has to get done? Then, maybe add what you’d like to get done. Kids— and you— need good sleep, some nutrition and ideally a bit of exercise every day. Those are the basics. That may mean going for a jog while your kid rides his scooter, but with parks and playgrounds in many places closed right now, it may mean taking a break to do ten jumping jacks or have a relay race in the hallway.

• Find a few minutes a day for yourself. These days, the old cliché of “putting your mask on first” has taken on a new meaning. But the idea that if you can’t help yourself, you can’t help your child, stills holds true. “One minute of self-care, five minutes of self-care — that doesn’t mean you go to the spa but it does mean maybe taking a walk if you can,” says Dr. Busman. “Or doing a three-minute meditation.” Taking small breaks throughout the day is crucial, even if it’s just to stretch or drink some water.

• Relax screen time limits. That doesn’t mean letting your kid watch TV all day. But allowing a little extra time on the iPad or an extra hour of gaming can give you time to recharge and let everyone have a little break. Remember, these changes aren’t forever — you’re just adapting to an unusual situation.

The full article also offers tips on reaching out for help, figuring out how to juggle work and childcare, and responding to behavior issues.

Born from Love: A Single Mother by Choice

by Lania Salas (Hay HousePress)

After several romances sputter and end, bioengineer Lania Salas decides to become a mother on her own. This self-published memoir by a former SMC member follows Salas’s journey through early relationships to her first solo IUIs, uterine surgery, IVF, and finally the birth of twin boys.  Salas describes how her supportive family, Catholic faith, and scientific  training influenced her thinking about single motherhood, and she  touches briefly on pregnancy-based discrimination in a male-dominated  workplace. For women considering or trying for single motherhood,  Salas’s cheerful determination in overcoming obstacles may be  especially inspiring.

.

As an embryologist and Tissue Bank Director I am often asked, “Do I need a doctor to approve or perform my insemination with donor sperm? The answer is simple and may surprise you.

But before giving the answer I would first like to explain that there is a difference between an insemination done in your physician’s office and an insemination done at home. Inseminations done in a doctor’s office are usually intrauterine inseminations (IUI). This is a process that involves using sperm that has been processed or washed to remove the seminal fluid (semen), prostaglandins, and other cellular debris that are found in an ejaculate. The specimen, now containing only sperm cells, is loaded into a catheter, and placed inside the uterus. This process eliminates the need for the sperm to travel through the vagina and cervix, placing it directly into the uterus and closer to the fallopian tubes. Historically, this process has been done with partner sperm in cases where the male or female are having fertility issues. Women who are choosing to become single mothers by choice (SMC) can do an IUI using donor sperm to get the same fertility treatment as couples struggling with infertility.

In today’s world, there are so many women who wish to get pregnant but simply are unable to find a suitable male partner to provide the sperm. Home insemination is done using a “raw” semen specimen that contains sperm cells, debris, and all the prostaglandins, which help the sperm to swim up the vagina and through the cervix. The specimen is placed into the vagina as close as possible to the cervix with a needless syringe. The sperm is then left to make its way through the cervix, just like natural insemination. This is known as an intracervical insemination (ICI).

While the success rate of IUI is a little higher, the process of home insemination is much more relaxed and intimate experience for the patient. Doing an IUI procedure in the doctor’s office the atmosphere often feels a bit cold and sterile. The staff tends to herd you into a room, puts you in stirrups, inserts a speculum, and the doctor and several staff may be present while the specimen is placed inside of you.

Instead, you can be at home, in a stress-free environment, monitoring your ovulation and deciding when the time is right for you. You can do it by yourself or have a family member or trusted friend help you with the process. Simply thaw the specimen at room temperature for 15-20 minutes, place the specimen into the provided needless syringe, and insert it into your vagina near the cervix. Then, all you need to do is lay back, relax, and let nature take its course.

In years past it was common for woman to go to their gynecologist or reproductive endocrinologist for insemination. It was considered a medical treatment, but why? Reproduction is the most basic, natural thing we do in life, barring fertility issues. Millions of people are doing it right now even as you read this.

Of course, you should consult your doctor before attempting to become pregnant, to make sure you are healthy enough to become pregnant and can carry a child. If you have a normal menstrual cycle and you are free from any fertility issues, you are good to go. You can order your sperm to be delivered to your door and without any approval or help from a physician.  In today’s world, it is unnecessary for a partner to provide sperm for you to achieve having the baby of your dreams.

From Justine: When it rains, the deers come out. That’s why they’re called reindeers.

. . . . . . . . . .

My 9-year-old son who is doing school remote (due to the coronavirus pandemic) told his 4th grade teacher that he is thankful for enough money to buy food and face masks.

Internally I noted that face masks are now part of the lowest tier of Maslow’s heirachy of needs – food, sleep, water and face masks!

. . . . . . . . . .

I address a chatty R. in the car today to say something, and R. hushes me and says “Quiet mamma! I’m in a meeting!!” and continues chatting with himself.

Remote teaching is having no impact on my kid at all !! 

. . . . . . . . . .

While installing our new Roku tonight, I told J. it needed an update.

J: “A date! Our TV needs a date!”

She thought the idea was hysterical.

. . . . . . . . . .

For more cute quotes like these, check out the thread on our forum HERE!