All Attendees will receive a full recording of the event in case you miss any sessions or wish to watch both sessions of the two-session tracks. 

The event will be on Zoom and all times are ET.

Download a PDF of the full Agenda here. 

AGENDA

Saturday October 16

1:00 – 1:15 PM Welcome

Jane Mattes, L.C.S.W, Founder of Single Mothers by Choice & her son, Eric Mattes

1:15 – 2:15 PM Panel of Adult SMC Children: What was it Like Growing Up?

2:15 – 2:30 PM Break or Meditation: “Mindful Yoga with Melissa”

2:30 -3:30 PM Panel of Moms of Adult SMC Children: What was it Like Raising your Children?

3:30 – 4:30 PM Presentation – The Donor Puzzle: How do the Kids Sort it Out?

Dr. Rosanna Hertz , Ph.D, Professor of Sociology & Woman and Gender Studies, Wellesley College

4:30 – 4:45 PM Break or Meditation: “Mindful Yoga with Melissa”

4:45 – 5:30 PM Networking Discussion Groups

Choose between breakout rooms for networking & informal discussion for every stage of the SMC Journey: Thinkers, Tryers, Pregnant or Moms!

There will also be a breakout room for SMC young adults (teens and older) to connect!

5:30 – 6:00 PM Networking Discussion Groups

Choose between breakout rooms for networking & information discussion on key SMC topics: Raising Children of Color, Beyond Baby #1, Raising a Non-binary Child or Raising a Special Needs Child.

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Sunday October 17

12:00 – 12:10 PM Welcome & Guide to Content Options

Come together for day two, and right after the first panel, get set to choose between the two simultaneous content tracks.

12:10 – 12:55 PM Panel – A Day in the Life of an SMC: What’s it Really Like?

 

1:00 – 2:00 PM (Choose to Attend One Session for this time slot)

2:00 – 2:15 PM Break or Meditation: “Mindful Yoga with Melissa”

2:15 – 3:00 PM (Choose to Attend One Session for this time slot)

3:00 – 3:45 PM (Choose to Attend One Session for this time slot)

3:45 – 4:00 PM Break or Meditation: “Mindful Yoga with Melissa”

4:00 – 4:30 PM – Networking Discussion Groups

Choose between breakout rooms for networking & information discussion on key SMC topics: Saving for Fertility by Devon Baeza, The Fertility Finance Coach, Adoption, New Moms or Moms of Teens

4:30 – 5:00 PM – Networking Discussion Groups

Choose between breakout rooms for networking & informal discussion for every stage of the SMC Journey: Thinkers, Tryers, Pregnant or Moms!

This summer I took my five-month-old on his first two road trips. No more spontaneous travel for me—these weekends were carefully planned and Covid-conscious, with detailed packing lists and itineraries structured around feeding and nap times. Yet despite all my efforts at preparation, what stands out to me this fall is uncertainty: all the new questions raised by the Delta variant; the worries of SMCs-to-be in the midst of their two-week waits or early pregnancy or simply trying to decide whether to proceed; and the beautiful, unspooling unknown that is my son’s future. It’s a season when the confident good wishes of Lucille Clifton’s poem “blessing the boats” offer me comfort and calm. Readers, may we all gently “sail through this to that.”

Almost inevitably, thinking about choosing single parenthood means anxiety about whether or not your child will have a harder time than a child with two parents. When the question came up recently in the Forum, readers offered reassurance. Some of the most helpful thoughts:

There are definite advantages to being a single mother by choice. If you’re considering having a baby on your own, you probably have a lot going for you already.

It helped me to reframe this question from one of lack to one of plenty, thinking about all I could offer a child. I reminded myself that my child would be the center of my world. I would not have competing interests in serving a partner’s need and my own needs; I would be the sole decision-maker on name, upbringing, discipline, extracurriculars etc.; I had a good job, with flexibility where I can take summers to travel with kiddo. etc. etc. etc. —T.

The probability that an SMC is well educated, confident, stable, professionally somewhat established, and healthy is very high. Otherwise, it’s not really possible to become one because of the required financial, biological, and emotional capital. —A.

Remember that your family structure will be your child’s norm. It’s absolutely true that having a parent leave, witnessing parents fighting, or having an abusive or unwell parent is traumatic—but there’s nothing inherently traumatic about having just one parent.

Not having a father from the start is not something that will have “happened” to your child. It will be life as they know it. And they will still be greatly loved. —L.

My family is intact. The structure of it may differ from “the norm” but our family is complete and not broken. I started telling my son literally from the day we came home from the hospital after his birth about his donor origins and my choice to have him on my own. It’s just part of who he is, and I never had to tell him about it once he was old enough to understand because he already knew organically. —C., mom of a 17-year-old

Research says SMC’s children will be just fine. Studies show that children raised in SMC-headed families do just as well as those in two-parent families. Forum members pointed to these two studies, but you can likely find others:
A study in The Journal of Family Psychology concludes that “solo motherhood, in itself, does not result in psychological problems for children.”

Research in the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology found “no differences in terms of parent–child relationship or child development.” In fact, single moms by choice reported having a greater social support network than partnered parents.

The pandemic finally got me interested in cooking, but having an infant means I’m skipping complicated recipes. Did you know that the SMC Forum covers the gamut? Each month, a themed thread features food with a particular regional or ethnic focus—September’s thread, for instance, is all about “traditionally Jewish foods” and April’s focused on food from regions that celebrate Ramadan. These threads are the place to turn if you’re looking to find a new recipe or share cooking successes.

My current favorite thread is “Food Wins for Those Who Can’t Cook”, in which Forum members have posted the perfect mix of super-simple recipe ideas and cheerful support for compromises that balance nutrition, speed, and picky kid palates:

My daughter will inconsistently eat roasted butternut squash, turnips, and carrots with olive oil and cinnamon. I buy them pre-cut because I need all the help I can get. Then I mix olive oil and cinnamon together in no particular proportion (until dark) and brush it on. I roast until they’re really, really soft and a little bit caramelized. She also loves asparagus, which I drench in butter and salt. I know it’s the butter she loves, but who cares? If it takes fat to make her eat veggies, that’s fine. —O.

This month’s victory is pigs in a blanket. Turkey dogs cut in half rolled in a Pillsbury crescent roll with half a slice of Kraft American cheese. My daughter will generally not eat any food that touches or is combined so it’s a win for us! —W.

My son usually won’t touch unfamiliar food, but to my great surprise, he gobbled down fish sticks happily. I think because they look like french fries? But I feel like it’s a good way to work a bit of fish in there. —B.

When my son was a lot younger I told the doctor that he loved fruit but only ate one vegetable a day. She said the best thing ever: the recommendation is fruits and vegetables—so if they eat lots of fruit and just a few vegetables, no big deal, don’t worry about it! I loved her for taking the pressure off. —H.

One of our absolute easiest meals is scrambled eggs and oven fries, plus whatever fruits or raw veggies we have on hand. We would happily eat that every day. And there’s nothing wrong with serving snack-type meals: cheese and crackers or hard-boiled eggs, nuts, fruit, carrots and dip, etc.—R.

A long time ago, I decided I was not going to obsess about us eating the same thing all the time. I try for 2 or 3 meals a week that are shared foods, and another couple where it’s something like pasta where I have mine with sauce and he has his with butter and parmesan cheese, but we are kinda sorta eating the same thing. And the remaining nights, we fend for ourselves. —M., mom of a teen

Wish, Miracle, Me! A Modern Family Love Poem for Donor-Conceived Children, by Lindsey Coad and illustrated by Kim MacPherson (Tellwell)

Wish, Miracle, Me! A Modern Family Love Poem for Donor-Conceived Children, by Lindsey Coad and Kim MacPherson, is an illustrated narrative poem about a donor-conceived girl growing up. Sweet rhyming vignettes show how the girl’s understanding of her birth story changes from early childhood (“I feel glad / For my donor / We look a bit different / And sort of the same”) through young adulthood (“I’ve got my ground / My grace / Feet firmly in place / I embrace / Every trace / Of what I need and know”). Wish, Miracle, Me! stands out among books for donor-conceived children in that it focuses more on the child’s emotions—particularly her curiosity about her genetics—than on the parent’s decision-making or the process of conception. Upbeat and affirming, it would be appropriate for reading with a middle-schooler or possibly an older elementary-school-aged child.

Stand Alone and Empowered: The Single Woman’s Guide to Starting a Family by Frances Ruiz (Hinterland Sky Press)

Written by SMC member Frances Ruiz, Stand Alone and Empowered: The Single Woman’s Guide to Starting a Family is a practical resource for women considering or beginning the process of getting pregnant, fostering, or adopting. Chapters on trying to conceive using fertility treatments, including intra-uterine insemination (IUI) and in-vitro fertilization (IVF), are particularly detailed, but the book also offers sound advice for women just beginning to consider single motherhood, for navigating family and social situations, and for managing the early days of parenthood, among other topics. Ruiz’s clear, direct approach is equally effective in relaying her own experiences and in conveying factual details about single motherhood and reproduction.

In its breadth and utility, there’s much to recommend Stand Alone, particularly as a companion alongside other resources. Still, it makes me wish for an authoritative What to Expect-style manual for single-moms-to-be—SMCs have to sort through so much information! Drawing on the research she did during her own journey, Ruiz provides many links and footnotes. Nonetheless, an important caveat is that her work hasn’t been reviewed or factchecked by medical professionals; readers should double-check medical information with their doctors.

We’d like to wish a warm welcome and express our thanks to our newest SMC Contact Persons:

Anne-Marie Ross East Bay, CA anneisanne@yahoo.com

Miki Garrison Seattle, WA  mikigal@gmail.com

Does your area need a Contact Person (CP)? Might you want to be one? Do you have any questions about being a CP? Just let us know and we’ll be glad to discuss it with you. Contact Jane at our office: office@singlemothersbychoice.org

J: Monkeys are predators of fruit.

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Walking by someone using power tools in his driveway.

G (age 3): Mama, what’s he making with those tools?
Me: I don’t know, honey.
G: Maybe he’s making a bike. You could make a bike too!
Me: Well, that would be a lot of work. A bike has lots of parts.
G: It’s okay, you can take a nap after!

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E (4 1/2) says to me, you know poo like poop? Why does Pooh Bear have poo in his name?

I didn’t have an answer ready for that one.

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C has been making great progress with her swimming lately, as some may have seen on Facebook.

Today she jumped into the deep end for the first time without a floaty or me in the water with her. When she emerged she had a huge smile and yelled “I didn’t die!”

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At the playground, when two other kids biked up without their parents:
G (age 3): Where are their owners?

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J is finally old enough for this thread and we’ve had some goodies recently

J, drawing

Me: ooh, is that a tree?
J: no, it’s a piece of paper, Mummy.

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For more cute quotes like these, check out the thread on our forum HERE!