It is summer time and the living is easy. Well, maybe it isn’t always easy, but the sunshine makes it feel that way. In this issue we’re talking about things that are complicated and not so easy.
And we’re extremely pleased to introduce Eric March as the new designer for the SMC newsletter. His artistic talents are breathing new life into what we do here. We’ve added an online component to our newsletter that brings virtual life to our words. More to come. We hope you enjoy SMC Newsletter 2.0!
Enjoy,
Cheri

By Christina

I want to mention up-front that even though there are a couple of threads on the Forum going around that talk about comparisons, this is an idea that has been kicking around in my mind for a while now. Which is how do we find strength in our shared circumstances, but not end up comparing ourselves to others in ways that can be damaging?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Mom recently. Mom got married at age 21 and gave birth to my sister about nine months and a week after her wedding day, those crazy kids. My father was in the Army so they were stationed in Kentucky, away from both of their families, who were all in South Florida. This was 53 years ago and my parents didn’t come from wealthy families, so frequent visits were not possible. But somehow my mother managed to give birth to my sister, breastfeed her, keep her healthy and safe, and do so basically with only the help of Dad and whatever book on child rearing was popular at the time (Dr. Spock?).

Of course today we know tons more about what is best for kids. We should not go back a half-century as if that was some golden age of child rearing. But I feel sometimes like some of the information that is available to us, and the ensuing comparisons that we are able to make to other families, make me feel weaker and more frantic, not more sure of myself. For example, on another parenting board I frequent, there was a question posted there recently about what time in one’s pregnancy should one start sleeping on their side. And I thought, oh my god, there’s actually a *schedule* for side sleeping? I thought that you should just sleep whatever way you’re comfortable. I know “they” say don’t sleep on your back, but I thought that my body would naturally not let me suffocate to death in my sleep without prompting me to roll over.

And this is, to some extent, what I’m talking about — trusting ourselves to do the right things. It just so happens that I knew about the recommendation related to left side sleeping. But it also just so happens that right now, it is more comfortable for me in general to sleep on my sides. Even if I didn’t know that “they” recommend it, I’d already be doing it. But once it becomes part of a huge list of recommendations, then it is yet another thing that you’re doing “right” or “wrong” and that has to be checked off a list.

More information is great. And the way we can access information now is wonderful. But I also dream a little bit of being sweetly ignorant, and just trusting myself that I can raise a nice kid because I was a nice kid.

And then there are the conversations on microwaving lunch meat, or flying during pregnancy, or getting a pedicure during pregnancy, or consuming white carbs during pregnancy….and that’s just pregnancy. Before pregnancy, there were all these similar inquiries about getting pregnant. Which supplements? How many? Who to see for acupuncture, how much should you do? Which doctors should you see? How many IUIs, how may IVFs? How many eggs to transfer and what days?

And those are just the stages that I’m familiar with having lived through them. There are similar debates and vicious battles over issues related to extended breast feeding and sleep training and television watching and picking neighbourhoods for the right schools and dealing with teachers etc,. that I see but feel removed from at this point because I’m not living through those stages.

Again, I don’t think that we should try to roll back the clock. More information is great. And the way we can access information now is wonderful. But I also dream a little bit of being sweetly ignorant, and just trusting myself that I can raise a nice kid because I was a nice kid. As Mom says about herself, “I was so dumb. I didn’t know enough to be scared.” Most of the time I feel pretty comfortable in my choices, and I don’t (for example) let myself feel bad because my kid is going to have to go to day care at a young age. That’s just the way life is, and there are plenty of children being raised in worse circumstances. But then at other times I think oh my god, what am I forgetting?? Why did I think I could do this?

How I Was Raised
My brother and sister are close in age, but they’re 13 and 10 years older than me, respectively. By the time I came along, my parents were “older” (compared to other parents of children in the 1970s) and I was practically an only child. I feel like my childhood was built with a kind of benign neglect, as long as I wasn’t doing anything really bad. I spent tons of time alone, talking to myself and making up stories in my various journals. I was a latchkey kid starting at age 8. Lots of TV — Saturday morning was cartoons galore. No team sports, no group activities (both parents worked, so getting me to and from those types of activities would have been a real strain.) And it wasn’t all joy. Occasionally, not often, I was spanked. And not a swat either; with a belt.

Frankly, looking back on it, I think I might have been a weird kid in some ways. But Mom and Dad and I were a team and they never made me feel weird. And I’m sure my wishes and desires were taken into account, but I wasn’t an equal member of the household. In fact, I remember one of the most chilling things my father ever said to me, when I was getting a little mouthy over something or other, was “who do you think you’re talking to?”

But there was a LOT of love and tenderness and affection, too. Lots of hugs and kisses.

So I look at all that and say, “That’s the right way to raise children!” — but no. It was the right way to raise ME. What I’m trying to keep in mind is what worked or didn’t work with me might be totally different for my child. Because I know that I was raised much differently than my parents were. I have a very good girlfriend who rebelled against the structures of her life and as soon as she had a child (single mother by chance) she set about “fixing” all the problems she identified as being a part of her own childhood. Extended breastfeeding and baby wearing before it was the latest fad, homeschooling, unschooling, and a pretty child-led household. Crunchy before crunchy was “cool.” And she raised a lovely kid who is pretty traditionally-minded and thrives under the same kind of structure that her mother chafed at. So who knows? When I’m not filled with panic I’m actually looking forward to seeing what will work for us. It seems like a cool adventure, when I don’t think about “oh my god, how will I sleep train?” or “oh my god, how will I potty train?”

June brings us yet another “Hallmark holiday” – Father’s Day. On the Forum I recently asked how you acknowledge the day:

How do you spend Father’s Day? Is the day spent acknowledging your role as mother/father? Is it spent celebrating the men in your children’s life? Is it an emotional minefield?

“We spend the day celebrating my dad. We spend most Sundays with my parents anyway. My daughter adores her grampa (aka papa). She’ll follow him around the house or yard and mimic whatever he’s doing. It’s really sweet. She also has him wrapped around her little finger. He does things with her like rocking her babies or having pretend tea parties that he never did with me when I was little!”

“My father divorced my mother, sister and I about 13 years ago so my sister and I celebrate ma-futhers day. There are actually cards for your mom on Father’s Day!”

“Next year, once the baby arrives, I am planning on making it godfathers day. My cousin, who has no children, will be the baby’s godfather and I plan on getting him a gift and taking him out to lunch ever year. It will be our new tradition.”

“We don’t really do a lot for Father’s Day. I always ask my kids who they want to make their Father’s Day present for. Sometimes they choose me, sometimes they choose their Papa. I share their decision with their teachers. We mail a card and a present (or two) to my Dad, call him, and then go about our regular business. If my parents were closer, I’m sure we would see my parents on Father’s Day, but they are on the opposite coast, so we only see them a few times a year. My son has been talking a lot about when he is a Dad lately so might do a little something special for my future Dad.”

“We typically don’t do anything for Father’s Day. For us, it is just another weekend. School is always out before then so it’s not an issue that way.”

“We celebrate Fathers’ Day with my son’s donor families! This has been an annual tradition since we met them over six years ago. We rotate each year on who will host it. Typically, we have a potluck, the kids play games and run around if the weather is nice, and the moms get to socialize. It is also a fun time to talk about traits the kids have that are from the donor! And, of course we toast donor #*****.”

“I just wanted to say thank you for posting this question. In my oblivion of stress, busyness and absent-mindedness, I was thinking I would just let the day pass. After reading the responses, I think I will let my son choose whether he makes his school gift for mom or grandpa. I have a distant relationship with my son’s grandpa, and the gift would get passed to him via my son’s grandma, but I certainly don’t want to take away from my son’s ability to have a relationship with his grandpa. That said, I have to continue to watch for healthy interactions between my son and his grandpa. Hallmark holidays can sometimes bring out the best or worst in a family.”

You can read more about this topic on the Forum.

By Cheri Tabel

I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately. In the past month or so I’ve considered buying a new house, getting a puppy, having another baby and being the den leader of my son’s Cub Scout den. I have an itch to do something different.
I’ve never been married, so I’m not sure what a true seven year itch feels like, but I do understand the desire to find something, fill a void, or change my view.
My son is the light of my life (and coincidentally seven years old) and is the culmination of a dream to be a mother. We’re a good unit and I’m constantly delighted by his human self. He surprises me every day.

My itch likes to compare what I have with what others around me have.

So, shouldn’t that be enough? My itch doesn’t think so. My itch likes to compare what I have with what others around me have.

We live in suburbia-central  married couples, with 2.3 children and a white picket fence. I look around the school, our Cub Scout pack, our street and wonder how I picked a neighbourhood with so little diversity. Don’t half of all marriages end in divorce? Where are the single parents? Where are the families with two moms or two dads?
And I realize what I’ve been doing is comparing and thinking I’d be happier if…
If I had more children. If I were married. If Jackson had a dad. If I had a bigger house.
I was talking to a friend about it all recently. She reminded me that the grass isn’t always necessarily greener and she was fairly certain that many of the married couples look at me and think to themselves, “I wish I were single!”

Do I really want a puppy? No. I barely potty trained my child. A bigger house? Don’t want to pay for it! A den leader? Crazy!

Having another child? Yes. That is true and the one thing I allow myself to mourn. Years ago, as part of training to be a grief counsellor, I had to write my own obituary. In that obituary, which I wrote two years before having my son, I wrote about two children – the beautiful son (name and all) I have today and a daughter, Anna Claire. I think of Anna Claire often and wonder where she is and why she wasn’t meant to be.

I’m not ready to give up on Anna Claire. I’m open to the many ways she can come into our lives – through adoption, through a blended family or through some other way unknown to me at this time.
And this is when I find myself the happiest. Accepting the here and the now, living in the moment and letting life surprise me. The itch not even a memory.

It can feel like Pandora’s Box – thinking about donor siblings and whether to look for and/or pursue relationships with donor siblings. Whether you are a thinker, tryer or mother, sooner or later, you struggle with the “do I or don’t I” or “when do I” of donor sibling relationships.

Recently on the Forum, a SMC member asked others about it:

When did you broach the subject with your kids that they might have 1/2 siblings out there? How did you bring it up? What did you say? At what age did it first come up? If you have met 1/2 siblings how did you explain it ahead of time? How did your kids feel about the meeting? Would you recommend trying to orchestrate such a meeting or leave it until your kid asked (or not even then)? Would you ask your kid first, and if you did, and then the other sibling families didn’t want to meet, how did you explain that?

“I decided to go ahead and point out that other families had used the same donor, and he was intrigued by that. I don’t know if he conceptualizes them as half-siblings or not, but he is curious. I explained that I can go online and see if I can make contact with some of these families, if he was interested. He said he was, and specifically, he wanted to see photos to see if they looked like him. He did not make the leap to thinking about meeting in person. I admit I haven’t gotten around to signing up for the DSR yet and he actually did ask about it once on his own initiative, so I will do it soon. I was very careful to explain that there were no guarantees that the other families would be interested in communicating with us but that I can try and we’ll just have to see what happens.”

“I am in touch with two families. One is an SMC who happens to live close by and has a girl born the same year and another is a family in another state with a boy two years older. We have regular play dates with the local SMC. Those are the only folks who signed-up on DSR. Though I know through the bank that there are much more out there…. I like to have a little group for now, though. Having too much can be overwhelming.

These issues have been discussed on the forum before, including sharing experiences with meeting donor families. They vary from incompatibility to “whoa, I love them” from what I can see. It is all personality-related. I am keeping channels open for my daughter, but will leave it to her to pursue once she is in the position to decide.”

“A couple months after my daughter was born, I signed her up on DSR. Then I got cold feet. Wondering if I should have waited and let her decide.

About 6 months later, I happened to meet a therapist at a seminar about talking about donors. Siblings came up and her comment was ‘It can’t hurt’ to get in contact.

Right now my daughter is the youngest of 13 listed on DSR. We have met one 1/2 sister who lives nearby. Obviously it didn’t mean anything to my daughter at 10 months and I am not sure how much sunk in for her sister at age 2 1/2. But the door is open and the mom and I talked about meeting a couple times a year so the girls grow up knowing each other.

Meanwhile, another mom has set up a Facebook group which I joined. And they are talking about a ‘reunion’ in September. They are also organizing a photo book of all the siblings so they can all see pictures of each other.

Up shot is I have no idea where all of this will take us but time will tell.”

“From my experience, knowing and even meeting half-siblings doesn’t really make a difference to the “only child” dynamic. My daughter has met her half-brother (the only one we know of) a couple of times, but she’s still an only child in a one-child-and-one-parent family. That’s her day-to-day reality, and I’m not sure that having more regular contact or earlier contact with half-sibs would change that very much.

The kids basically reacted like this: oh, hey, we kind of look alike;
gee, that’s interesting; well, we don’t have much in common other than that.

That said, I probably talked to my daughter about half-sibs somewhere around age 10, and once she was comfortable with the idea, because she had previously always thought she was totally unique, I signed onto the DSR at her request and we found her half-brother. I seem to recall that I introduced the idea around the time she began to study genetics in school, because her class was looking at inheritable traits in people. So we were talking about ways in which we were the same and different, and that led naturally into a conversation about the wider family.

Because she was 12ish when we met her half-sib, I was very direct with her when the initial contact was made and when the meetings were set up. I would not have set up a meeting with the other child without consulting her, but I did meet the other mom (also an SMC, though not a member of the organization) without discussing that with her. I wanted to see if the mom and I would get along before bringing the children into it. We each then talked to our kids before arranging the meeting.

We only met a few times. The kids basically reacted like this: oh, hey, we kind of look alike; gee, that’s interesting; well, we don’t have much in common other than that. We had a meal together, went bowling, and that was it. She wasn’t interested in keeping in contact and neither was her half-brother; the mom and I emailed back and forth a few times and that was pretty much it.”

“This came up for us last summer when I got connected with a Facebook group of moms who used the same known-donor that I used. We had a get-together and I prepared my kids in advance, first by reminding them of “Our Story,” and then by talking a bit about the donor (in whom they weren’t, and still aren’t, interested) and suggesting that other moms might also have used his sperm to make babies. I never used the term “siblings” because I don’t think of them that way and thought it might be confusing. But when I asked my kids whether they’d be interested in meeting other kids who had the same donor, they both immediately said yes.

The gathering itself was kind of anti-climactic. I enjoyed meeting the other moms, and my kids enjoyed playing with the other kids, but it could have been any gathering of random moms and kids, if you get what I mean? It wasn’t like there was any mystical connection or anything. Most of the other kids are significantly younger than mine, and of those closer in age to mine, they live at least 2 hours’ drive away, so we haven’t gotten together with them again, just purely for logistical reasons. It’s kind of too bad, because there’s one little girl almost exactly the same age as my daughter, and her moms are very cool and I think if we lived closer we could all become really good friends, but oh well.

Bottom line, I’m glad we did it but it wasn’t life-changing. To answer your question about initiating, I guess my feeling would be to sort of sound out your kid about it without actually saying “do you want to meet them” and at the same time broach the idea of a meeting with the other parents.”

You can read more about this topic on the Forum.

No doubt about it – our kids are adorable and funny. Need proof? Just read the things they say.

Mommy: “Be careful Stephanie. You can look at the photo of Grandma and Grandpa but don’t touch it. You don’t want to wrinkle it.”
Stephanie: “But Grandma already has a lot of wrinkles.”

There was the time near the beginning of 1st grade when I was filling out the usual “tell me about your child” form from the teachers. I asked Sophie, “What are you interested in?” and she said “I’m interested in getting an iPod.”

One of my favorites was when someone asked my son his name. His reply was “My name is Bennett but my mom calls me Earth to Bennett.”
He was 4 at the time, and his pre-K teacher thought he was hysterical and said that he should have his own reality TV show called Earth to Bennett.

My daughter has never been particularly interested in the whole donor thing & I’ve not much talked about it, but I did make sure at some point that she had the basic idea. Wasn’t sure she really got it.
When she was about 4 she asked me if there were any man ladybugs (i.e., because of the name). I said of course, and then added “how else would they get baby ladybugs?” Without missing a beat she responded “maybe they have doctor ladybugs”
I guess she really was paying attention.

One summer night it was really hot, and Colin wanted to wear socks to bed. I said, “Colin, it’s 80 degrees. You don’t need socks.” He said, “Yes, I do. My feet are too scary.”

We were talking about what my daughter would be learning in school. I said that she would learn lots of things, that she would learn how to read books…” She said “I don’t want to learn how to read books, I just want to learn how to read minds!”

Lauren’s about 2.5 now. When she was 1, I served watermelon and she looked down and said “Bugs.”

Last month she was eating matzoh and holding her ears. When I asked her why, she said “Matzoh too loud (in my head).”

When Judy was about 3, I told her “I love you more than anything!”
She replied, “Even chocolate?”

When she was about 2.5, she wanted out of her crib. “MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!” screeching getting louder and louder and louder, but it’s bedtime and I’m ignoring her…finally over the baby monitor, in the sweetest voice ever, I hear “Robin Elizabeth, this is Judith Deborah. I would like to get out of my crib, please.”

When Shane was about two, he announced in the bank that we were only here for the lollipops!

At four, he told our neighbors via the fence that all I do is drink wine! I had told him earlier in the day that I was meeting some friends for wine tasting.

When he was in Kindergarten, he attended a City Council meeting, along with other students, to present their artwork. The local TV station interviewed him. He said, “I drew turtles because they like the sun, and I do too, but I get so schweddy (sweaty)!” And, sure enough, they put it on the TV.

When he was in kindergarten, they were talking in school about what their parents did (for a living, but he obviously didn’t get that). I always thought that Colin would be proud that he had a mom who is a professor at a university. So I asked him, “How would you answer if the teacher asked you what your mom does?” He said “I’d say ‘she sits on the sofa and reads the TV Guide.'””

Marshall in shul yesterday when the call for all kids to come to the bima for Adon Olam came: “I’m not a kid, I’m a preteen.”

“Mom, that chicken was so good, it didn’t even need ketchup!” High praise indeed

Me: What did you think a single mother by choice was?
Him: I thought it was a mom who decided to just have one child.

Before bed one night, Eric:  “Mommy, I’m mad. I love you smaller than the universe.”

Maureen has a speech delay and some other issues, so I thought I had nothing for this thread, but this Friday she had a good one during therapy.
We were looking at a picture book and I said “Where’s the cat?” She pointed to it, so I said, “What’s that?” And she pointed again, rather than vocalize. So I said, “Tell me, say what it is.” (trying to get her to say cat)
Exasperated, she raised both hands and shoulders and said “It’s a book!” Also threw in the sign as well just in case I couldn’t get a clue! I never did get her to say cat (book is in her vocabulary already), but it was a welcome laugh during an otherwise rough therapy session.

When Aliza was little, our nanny took her to the playground, and she started playing with a little boy and his dad. The boy called his dad “dad,” of course. So, when Aliza wanted to get the man’s attention, she said, “Dad!” (thinking that was his name). The man looked at Aliza’s nanny, assuming she was the mom. He made a joke, along the lines of, “oh, I thought you were gonna keep that a secret!” She told me she turned all red and flustered!

Conversation via texting, a couple days before prom:
Carmen: im not sure if i can get the booty
Me: What booty are you trying to get???
Carmen: Male equivalent of a corsage! I dont know how to spell it
(boutonniere)

My name is Sarita and I am a professor at Humboldt State University.

I am conducting research on the experiences single mothers by choice in the ART marketplace. Insights from this study may increase the knowledge of ART industry which is unregulated and secretive. The results of this study may influence businesses, legislation and consumers to work together to ensure fairness and a greater understanding of SMCs everyday experiences. We expect to publish the findings in an academic journal.

Participation involves email exchanges where you will answer some questions. Or should you choose, interview could also be conducted over Skype at your convenience. All information will be strictly confidential. Pseudonyms will be used throughout the study and all names of locations, family, friends and other personal information will be disguised to ensure complete anonymity.

As a token of appreciation, 3 Amazon.com gift cards will be offered via random drawing of participants.

I would be honored if members of this group would agree to participate in the research. I have attached a brief description of the research agenda.

Should you agree to participate, please email me at sarita@humboldt.edu . I will provide further information on the process.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Sarita
Sarita Ray Chaudhury, Ph.D

SMC Donation

If you would like to make a tax-deductible donation to SMC, we are a non-profit 501.3c organization. You can send a check (SMC, PO Box 1642, NY NY 10028) or donate anywhere on the SMC website by clicking on the “Donate” button. We appreciate all donations, large or small and we will send you a letter of acknowledgement promptly after we receive your donation.

Want to be a Contact Person for SMC in your area?

The primary purpose of the CP is to welcome new members of SMC and to let them know what is happening on the local level. The CP assists in setting up organizational meetings for new members and organizes local chapter meetings. The roles and responsibilities of a local chapter are distributed amongst those who are interested in having an active chapter. If you’re interested, contact the SMC office at smc-office@pipeline.com.

Shelley Patchin is a new CP for Sherman Oaks (Los Angeles), CA.  She can be reached at Shelley.Patchin@wellpoint.com.

DVDs of Grown SMC Children’s Panel Available!

At our 30th anniversary conference last Fall we had several wonderful panel discussions, but the one that got the most enthusiastic reception was the one with three of our SMC children who are now adults who reflected on growing up in an SMC family. To purchase the DVD of this panel, or to order the set of all four DVDs, including a talk by Jane Mattes about the special issues that we need to be aware of to assure that our children get the best possible upbringing, go to the SMC website and click on “Shop” (http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/products-page/materials/).

I am over the moon to announce that my daughter, Madeleine, and my son, Myles, arrived on May 13, 2012 – Mother’s Day. Madeleine weighed 5lbs 3oz and is 18 1/2″ long. She has light brown hair, blue eyes and enjoys following your voice. Myles Ethan weighed 6lb 1oz and is 19″ long. He has blond hair, blue eyes and loves to eat! Both Emily and Adam love being a big sister and brother and enjoy kissing and holding their babies. Four children is such a blessing, we are so grateful. – Sandra Lanzel

Cindy Rogers is overjoyed to announce the birth of her daughter, Natalie Grace.  Natalie was born on October 10, 2011. She weighed 7 pounds 14.8 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.  Natalie is the absolute joy of her mommy’s life and that of her proud grandparents, aunt, uncles, great-grandmom, and many friends and family members. Cindy feels so incredibly blessed and lucky!

Elspeth Ann Chused and David Thomas Chused, both arrived on January 13th, 2012.  They’re charming, healthy, and the lights of my life. -Amy Chused

Remember to notify us when you become a mother! If you have someone new in the house please send the information to ctabel@hotmail.com.