Supermom, and Bump Becomes Baby?

Ten days ago, I attended my first expectant Mom’s subgroup meeting of my SMC group. There were 5 of us there, ranging from 6-weeks pregnant to 39-weeks pregnant. It was amazing connecting with women who are going through the same thing as I am.

We were all thinking that the 39-week woman “A” might not be an “expectant mom” for much longer, although since this was her first baby, she’d probably deliver late. Well, it turns out that she didn’t deliver late… she actually delivered 2 days after our meeting. And, guess what? She showed up with her son “P” in tow at our next SMC meeting 6 days later! Wow, unbelievable that she was able to get herself and her baby out of the house 6 days after giving birth. Not only that, she was walking around breast feeding the baby and taking care of P like she had … Continue reading

A Little Bit On How I Got Here

I am choosing to become a mom on my own, and this is an enormous project that, like any enormous project, can only really be done in tiny steps. Baby steps. Every day, I have maybe one step to take. Later on, there may be several, or it may feel like all the steps need to be taken at once, or like stepping has turned into a big exhausted tangle. But that’s when someone will remind me to check back in with the Buddha who brings me back to the present. The path IS the goal, yo.

What led up to this decision?

When my last serious relationship ended last fall, I signed up the next day to become a member of  Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and began hatching my plan to become pregnant on my own. I had been so impatient for so long. This was the most … Continue reading

20 Years Later: What’s It Like to Be an SMC?

I got this text from a friends’ daughter the other day: Hey! How was it raising Lulu on your own? Any advice?

I had my daughter 19.5 years ago which means I got pregnant in 1997. It was a very different world back then, barely an internet. There was an online database for my sperm bank, but profiles came as hard copies in the mail and they were filled out in longhand . I didn’t know, or even know of, anyone who had done what I was thinking of doing. (Side note: I did find SMC, which was the only resource at the time.)

Women today who choose to have a child on their own have endless resources available—blogs, groups, books, movies! I imagine it’s overwhelming but if you persist you can find the voices that speak to your heart and reasons for taking this step.

I answered her text … Continue reading

Thinking About Becoming An SMC?

At this time of year, SMC usually sees a pop in new members joining the SMC organization, perhaps due to New Year’s resolutions, or maybe just because it’s the start of a new year. And the biggest question for maybe-SMCs (who we call “Thinkers”) is often, “How can I do this? Or, “Can I do this?”

There’s no question that being an SMC is challenging, as well as incredibly wonderful. So I’ve compiled some good tips written by our members on our lively 24/7 online Forum to help answer those questions. For more good advice, join SMC and discuss your “thinking” questions with our members (either online or in person) who are in the same place and/or have been there.  To join, go to: singlemothersbychoice.org/membership 

When my budget would allow it, I hired a babysitter for 2 hours every Wednesday from 4-6 pm.  It really made a difference for me, Continue reading

Motherhood Loves Company: The Magic of Mothers Groups

Shortly after announcing my intention to become a single mother, a friend of mine lent me a DVD of The Backup Plan, a far-fetched romantic comedy about a woman who made the same decision to go it alone, only to meet Mr. Right an hour after getting knocked up. Some of the best scenes in the movie take place at a single mothers support group. To maximize the comedic aspect, the film depicts its members as an eclectic, tight-knit group of hippies and man-haters. It was stereotypical but hysterical. It was also the night before my first Single Mothers By Choice (SMC) group meeting, so it was a tad terrifying.

Coming from a family where emotions and serious topics are preferably left unspoken or at least only used as fodder for jokes, the idea of a support group was new and uncomfortable. So walking into the SMC meeting and taking … Continue reading

I’m Not Alone!! Oh Great Goddess, I am NOT ALONE!

Unless you are nearing or over 40, single and childless, you cannot imagine how I feel and that’s not your fault – we are just living different experiences. I have not been able to express to my friends how it FEELS to be in my situation, but I am now connected with other women who TRULY understand what it’s like to want a child so much that they will do it on her own – even when deep down they really want the whole family package. Seriously, if we were given more time biologically, we would wait for the right relationship, but we don’t have that luxury.

It means so much to me to have access to people who are going through what I am going through and to share their experiences too. The more I read on the SMC Forum, the more convinced I am that I am making Continue reading

How I Handle Single Parenting

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” –Jackie Kennedy.

How do I handle single parenting? I just do. That’s the only way I can answer the question, “How do you do it, with two little children and a full time job?” I don’t have live-in help, I don’t have come-in help. With the exception of my elderly father there is no family help. However, I have a community of great friends and neighbors who care about my children, make me laugh and lend a hand. That makes a big difference. On the really bad days, it makes a difference between sheer despair and the determination to go on.

There’s no denying that I brought these children into the world by my own free will, and it’s my responsibility to make their childhoods happy, healthy and safe. Everyday, whether I want Continue reading

Chasing My Biggest Dream

A few months ago I decided to follow my biggest and scariest dream yet; I decided to follow my dream of being a mother, in my case a single mother.

When I first decided to go for it, I said to myself that I need time to process all the events of the past year that might have clouded my judgement. I had just ended an almost year and a half toxic relationship with a man that I loved at first, but by the end I had fallen out of love with. For some time in this past relationship, I was still willing to be with someone who I knew did not love me, who I did not love, who didn’t make me happy or appreciate me, and most importantly who had a lot of issues that made me acknowledge the fact that he could never be the father I … Continue reading

The ‘We’ Of Single Motherhood

A few weeks before my 42nd birthday, sitting alone on my houseboat on a foggy morning in Sausalito, I watched a red cross appear on a home pregnancy test and was flooded with a rush of joy, relief, anticipation and fear. I had no husband or boyfriend to tell the news, so I first called my mom who with strange intuition said, “I knew that’s why you were calling!” I then began my usual phone circuit of girlfriends, my inner circle of women to whom I have always reached out for moral support. Whether it’s a career crisis or to commiserate on a bad date, each of them in their own way has always offered a dose of reality or a joke to lighten the fact that my date drank red wine with a straw because he didn’t want to stain his teeth or showed me a Facebook slideshow of Continue reading

The Politics of SMCs

What I’ve found instead is an amazingly diverse community of women.  Our political affiliations are all across the spectrum.  We are gay and straight, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and atheist.  We are urban and rural, in the U.S. and Canada and Europe and Southeast Asia, and everywhere in-between.  We are black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and of every possible ethnic mix.  We are creative types and scientists who work from home and travel the world and are unemployed.  We are biological and adoptive moms and waiting-to-be-moms and still-thinking-about-becoming-moms.  About the only way we’re not diverse is that we are all women.

And it’s incredible, this crazy-quilt community that supports and shares and applauds and {{hugs}} and grieves with each other.  Our diversity leads to a depth and breadth of knowledge about motherhood and plain old life that I like to think of as wiki-SMC.  Ask almost any question and someone will … Continue reading

“To me, being an SMC means taking the courageous step to fulfill your dreams. The support, empowerment, and honest advice I received from other SMCs gave me the courage to take this step, and when I look into my baby's eyes, I know it's the best decision I've ever made.”

– Nikita Parsons