Recently I’ve made the first move into becoming an SMC. I paid a visit to my doctor-it was as simple as that. Technically there were many unofficial first steps before that, such as the research, the saving, and of course, joining the SMC organization. But this, however, is the first concrete action that I could mark on the calendar as the first day, a tangible act that will propel me closer to my goal.
Such a small act to accomplish, yet it took me forever to muster the courage. Reaching out to my doctor was the first time I had ever vocalized wanting to be a mother to another person. Everyone who knows me has known me by my no-child-having stance that has stood firm for the last 20 or so years. I haven’t really updated anyone on this yet; for now I like keeping the secret to myself, it … Continue reading
Looking back, I’ve never really minded the times in my life when I was alone. While I spent a lot of time in long term relationships, unlike many of my close friends, I also liked the times I was single. I enjoyed having space and freedom to come and go as I pleased, never feeling obligated to check in with someone or navigate the give and take of shared decision making. I suppose that was one of the reasons that led me to becoming a single mother by choice.
My daughter turned one in April of 2020, about six weeks into the pandemic, right about the time I felt I was getting the hang of motherhood. I recall person after person commenting that they couldn’t imagine having a toddler during the pandemic. What they didn’t say, but I felt, was that they couldn’t imagine having a toddler during the pandemic … Continue reading
What a time. At the end of 2020 I arranged for childcare for my first New Year’s Eve “out” at a Masquerade Ball with a friend. When that fell through at the eleventh hour, I desperately scrambled for a back up…miraculously begging and bribing my way to childcare that night.
We rang in 2020 in decorative masks.
Who knew 2020 would bring so many more masks?
Masks on the outside and masks on the inside as I tried to fight the immeasurable sadness our beloved cat’s death wrought inside me. It has left me raw and broken, and with my two young children dependent on me during a pandemic.
How do I share amusing anecdotes under these circumstances?
And, now, my little girl has just started kindergarten and seems so much older than a mere two months ago. My son is a confident second grader. And, they are back … Continue reading
These are strange times. It’s the peak (here’s hoping) of the pandemic and we’re in the days between the (second) impeachment and the inauguration. (As someone on Twitter said, “I can’t believe it’s time for another impeachment already–I feel like I just took down my decorations from the last one.”)
I wanted to try to capture what life feels like right now, because I know I’m not the only one feeling this weird mix of emotions.
In the past two months, we have an effective vaccine and I already know many people who’ve been vaccinated and/or have an appointment (including my parents!!).
There’s so much to celebrate and lots of reasons to be hopeful.
But but but. This is all happening against a backdrop of thousands of deaths per day, so many people (everyone?) stressed and/or sick, and then: a horrifying attack by white supremacists on the U.S. Capitol.
As … Continue reading
Just a couple of weeks later, I changed my mind about having a potential suitor wait six months to meet my children. Despite my desire to protect them, I didn’t want to commit six months to this relationship, only to have their meeting be a disaster. We planned for just a quick ice cream outing, nothing too ambitious. Short and sweet.
The day of our date, he knocked on the door as we were doing chores. Sage had been told to wash dishes but was dragging her feet. He went to the kitchen and quietly offered to help. Wordlessly, she handed him a sponge. They washed the dishes together. And by the end of the day, my shy girl was hanging all over him.
Lorelei was even easier. She was instantly smitten, and thrilled to command his attention. Walking home afterwards, she climbed into his arms and laid her tired … Continue reading