Guy vs. Baby

I’m 41 and decided this year I will attempt to be an SMC.  I first thought about it three years ago but then decided to do two rounds of egg freezing instead (got 20 eggs).

But I had second thoughts, and then met a guy.  He wasn’t the “one” but it made me believe I don’t want to give up on child with a partner just yet.  Since then I made many life changes and had some amazing life experiences.

But now I’m older, eggs are older, and also I feel I’m really ready to be a mom.  My career only fulfills me so much, and I want to give and have continuity.  A child, sadly, is a more reliable source of love than men.

I’m scheduled for an insemination next month.  Of course, right after I made an appointment, I met a guy.  I don’t think it’s going anywhere … Continue reading

Embracing My SMC Status

During this Single Mother by Choice (SMC) journey I’ve realized that there are two versions of myself: me before making the decision to try the SMC path and me after making the decision to go the SMC path.

Let me tell you about the pre-SMC me. She was like the Rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. Rushing all around town, trying her very best to meet, date, and marry Mr. Right. Why? Because her biological clock was ringing quite loudly in her ear and the voices in her head kept shouting: “hurry up, hurry up, you’re late! Late! LATE!!” It was such a sad, frustrating, and frenetic time!

And then something shifted. I decided to start dating myself. I began with solo trips to the movies and even sampling restaurants with just me, myself, and I. It became routine and quite fun to take myself out whenever and wherever I fancied. … Continue reading

Refusing To Wallow In My Single Status

As any good English teacher and writer would, when I got to the stage of acting on my decision to have a child, I turned to books, lots of books. One that was touted as a classic for women in my situation, likely because it was one of the first to be written, was Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood by Jane Mattes.

I loved the Single Mothers By Choice organization and had already joined. I found the Forum and the information and support there to be super. But the book was published in 1994. A lot has changed since then. The definition of family has expanded a great deal, and non-traditional (divorced, blended, single parent, and gay couple) families actually outnumber traditional families. (A super cool statistic for a liberal chick looking to join these ranks!) It was … Continue reading

Skipping Steps to My Happily-Ever-After

Choosing Motherhood

Most women’s journey to motherhood begins with a trip to the bedroom. Mine began with a trip to my parents’ basement. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as kinky as that sounds.

While visiting my parents, I spied a pile of nostalgia on a dusty shelf downstairs: old photos, yearbooks, and my senior year psychology project. I think the project was supposed to be a sketch of our lives from birth to death, but hand a bunch of adolescents an assignment like this, and you’re just asking for a suburban girl’s mash-up of Sex in the City meets Cinderella, complete with magazine cut-outs of wedding dresses and beaus-to-be. I didn’t think of myself as overly boy-crazy back then. I certainly didn’t keep bridal clippings in my nightstand like some of my friends, but I was raised on Disney princesses, too. I knew how life was supposed to work out.

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Why I Want to Be a Mother

I want to share my vision of the world with my child or children; that life is expansive, not restrictive. that life is joyful and involves down time and bad times, but is exhilarating more often than it is draining or exhausting. I have lived in several countries, and cultures, and I want to pass on the knowledge that the world is a large place, and that there is a place and purpose for everyone, even several of each for you in one lifetime. I want to open their hearts to really believing in and pursuing their dreams.

I want to integrate them into my very large, loving family–they have numerous cousins waiting for them!

I want to teach them my native language, and pass on our rich Indian heritage to them. I want them to meet their great-grandmother, one of the greatest ladies I know. I want them to … Continue reading

Chasing My Biggest Dream

A few months ago I decided to follow my biggest and scariest dream yet; I decided to follow my dream of being a mother, in my case a single mother.

When I first decided to go for it, I said to myself that I need time to process all the events of the past year that might have clouded my judgement. I had just ended an almost year and a half toxic relationship with a man that I loved at first, but by the end I had fallen out of love with. For some time in this past relationship, I was still willing to be with someone who I knew did not love me, who I did not love, who didn’t make me happy or appreciate me, and most importantly who had a lot of issues that made me acknowledge the fact that he could never be the father I … Continue reading

Waiting and Planning

When I started this journey I had no idea there was even a term for having a baby solo. The phrase “Single Mother by Choice” came into my line of vision in a Google search.

My neighbor started this baby party. She was hitting forty in months with no man on the horizon; she was ready to be a mother. I was 36, soon to be 37, and thought I had a whole bunch of time to find the husband and have the babies.

I attended three painful seminars at the local Reproductive Endocrinologist’s. My age was plastered in every presentation as presenting a big dilemma to my dreams of children. A review of my situation made it clear that I had many dilemmas not just one.

A bad economy, underpaid at work, a house underwater. I am living in the south when my entire family living in the north … Continue reading

The Last Five Years

Recently, I randomly took a few minutes to figure out the number of days I was with my ex-husband. I then counted forward the same number of days from the day we split up . I am now at the point that I will have been apart from him for as long as I was with him. It’s not really a meaningful moment, but it does cause me to reflect on the past five years.

After we split up, I was a mess. I had been battling severe depression and anxiety during most of our relationship, and the breakup caused me to spiral very dangerously. The relationship, in its last 2 years or so, was extremely detrimental to my sense of self-worth and I ended up feeling like a failure for having a hard time finding a place for myself in the workforce. My spouse encouraged me to make as

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Advancing to the Waiting and Planning Stage

I have finally advanced beyond the Thinking stage. It took me over eight months. Eight months of trying to feel confident and willing to go the road of motherhood alone. Thinking and evaluating my situation and what is available to me in this journey. Joining the Single Mothers by Choice organization.

I knew I had advanced to the next stage when I stopped talking myself out of being a mother. My thinking took a turn to the positive. Hard choices have to be made. I had to ask myself a question: Are you willing to make drastic changes to be a mother? When my answer became a firm YES!! I was catapulted into waiting and planning.

I left my home state 12 years ago and relocated. I have a few close friends here, none of whom I see on a regular basis. The only people I see with any consistency … Continue reading

Why I Am Taking the Leap

1. I am sick of living my life for myself, i.e. clothes, jewelry, facials, massages etc.

2. I love spending time with my niece and nephew, i.e. playground, zoo, reading books, bathing, feeding etc.

3. I am scared of getting old and being alone

4. I have so much love to give, but no child to give it to

5. I want the mother-child bond; I want to feel needed

6. I hate holidays, get-togethers etc. because I am the only one without a child. I feel weird not having my own family and feel like the perpetual child showing up to family gatherings

7. I feel isolated from the world at age 32 because I have no children; people my age have children. I am finding it harder and harder to connect with people since I am childless. I am already feeling more connected with others because my mind-set … Continue reading

“SMC has been a huge inspiration to me from the moment I became a member. I got to know many wonderful women who encouraged me to take the leap of faith and whose support over the years was just great. I treasure the life-long friendships that I have developed.”

– Rada Lankina