Tag Archives: Hope

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Happy AA woman seeing positive pregnancy test.Dear Baby,

You should know that I have been yearning to meet you for a very long while. It’s been a tough fight and at times I’ve wanted to give up, but meeting you is so much more important.

As long as there is the slightest bit of hope, I won’t give up. Seeing that pregnancy test say pregnant, learning about increasing HCG levels, and finding out you’re on the way have been the happiest moments of my life. During this journey, I can’t wait to hear your heartbeat, feel you move around, or hold you in my arms. Most importantly I can’t wait to give you all the love I’ve been storing up. And honestly you’ll have more love than you will ever need because your support system that is patiently waiting your arrival is ready to love you too.

I know that you are worth every second and … Continue reading

The Choice to Become a Single Mother

Though I have been thinking about this often, I am finally forcing myself to sit down and write about it. I am (pause pause pause) giving up on the idea of (no that isn’t right) choosing to move forward with my life by (here goes, breathe) having a baby on my own. There I said it. Technically, I am choosing an anonymous sperm donor, buying vials of sperm that will then be put up into my uterus by a doctor. No sex. No relationship. No man. No wedding. No. Just me.

This coming to terms with the fact that I am doing all of this solo is making me cry presently, sitting at a table with a giant latte on a rainy, winter Sunday in LA. Wonder if they have Baileys here. Kidding. Kindof.

Back to the point. It is devastatingly difficult for me to admit to myself that this … Continue reading

Hope and Mourning

Making the decision to adopt was not difficult.  After two summers of failed attempts to grow a suitable uterine lining,  I realized that I had to make a choice.  I could try either more aggressive, entirely experimental, shot-in-the-dark treatments to get my unresponsive lining to grow,, or I could move toward adoption.  Infertility is extraordinarily expensive to address; adoption is extraordinarily expensive to pursue.  If I had to take that gamble, adoption seemed the option most likely to lead to success; my body, in so many ways throughout my life, had shown me that it just can’t be made to understand what it needs to do.  And so I shifted seamlessly from doctor’s visits to agency research and home study paperwork.  My hope was renewed.

And yet… There exists a certain duality in this experience, the bursts of effervescent optimism tipped by periods of startling grief.  I have moments –

Continue reading