Relationships Archives - Page 2 of 2 - Single Mothers by Choice

Lightbulb Moments On My Way to Motherhood.

Taking the Single Mother by Choice (SMC) route has been an amazingly interesting journey so far (which is a little like saying we saw some snow last winter in the Northeast!).

There were a couple of moments that stand out in my memory in particularly sharp focus. One such occasion was a conversation with my therapist before I had even started trying to conceive and was still trying to chase the elusive child-with-partner dream. We were discussing the guy I was involved with who was not stepping up to the plate (in fact he had left the field all together but I wasn’t able to acknowledge that yet). My therapist commented: “He may not be a sure bet but you are”, and it fell into place that I was everything I was looking for in a partner – reliable, dependable, hard working, responsible, thoughtful, caring – and he was none … Continue reading

Took a Step Back, Looking Forward Again

I feel like I’ve spent the better part of five years trying to decide what to do. After years of hanging on to plan A, marriage and then a family, I gave up after a bad break up and decided to become a single mother by choice. In the middle of trying to conceive, I found myself in a new relationship with a man who supported my efforts and gave me daily encouragement, but said he didn’t want to stay with me if I actually got pregnant. I broke up with him when I realized he had a big commitment problem, having nothing to do with whether or not I got pregnant.

After that my desire to become a mom swung completely to the other direction. The months of trying to conceive had been hard. I’ve always been conservative with money. I felt terrified of my lifestyle changing and feared … Continue reading

Getting It Right as a Single Mom

Some Single Mothers by Choice say that they are too tired to date, or that their children complete them. I even have a few SMC friends who profess they have no interest in dating. Personally, I have never felt this way. From the day I decided to become a SMC, I knew that because of my ticking biological clock I was simply resorting to plan B: baby first, relationship second. After years of dating dozens of Mr. Wrongs, I realized that I wanted to be a mom, and that I needed to get on with it—on my own.

But as soon as my precious daughter, Jayda, was born (with the help of an anonymous sperm donor), I knew it was only a matter of time before I got back out there and started looking for Mr. Right again; the only difference this time was that he would have to be … Continue reading

Pre-Conception Plans and Decisions

How Single Women Do It

Adoption or conception. Both are great options, and each appealed to me, for different reasons. Since I can’t have a baby without a little help myself, adoption seemed like a wonderful opportunity to in turn help a woman who needed a loving family for her child. Unfortunately, not all adoption agencies consider a family of one adequate, and even those that do were unaffordable to this single chick without taking out a serious loan, something I’d rather not do if I have another option. Luckily, I’ve always wanted to experience pregnancy. I’ve already got big feet and ankles, so I might as well have something miraculous accompany them, right?

Where?

It never even occurred to me that single women had options for this question. I just assumed if Mr. Right wasn’t doing the job that Dr. Somebody ought to be. Actually, though, there are other … Continue reading

Just A Date

How Pursuing My Dream of Motherhood Made Dating More Fun

I had always assumed that unlike me, many women were able to date lightheartedly. Unconcerned with a hoped-for long-term outcome, these women could treat a date as just a date. They found a way to relax and have a good time. These women, I further suspected, were free to be themselves with their dates and so were the ones finding the right partner.

As these musings might indicate, my single dating life was often fraught with worry. When dating a man, I was rarely fully present. My mind ran the back story. I’d size him up, then rocket mentally into an imagined future. Is he the right fit for me, and I for him? Is he commitment-phobic? Am I? Are we wasting our time? Of course, sometimes, there was true hope and love. But the stifling “what-ifs” commanded my attention.… Continue reading

The Last Five Years

Recently, I randomly took a few minutes to figure out the number of days I was with my ex-husband. I then counted forward the same number of days from the day we split up . I am now at the point that I will have been apart from him for as long as I was with him. It’s not really a meaningful moment, but it does cause me to reflect on the past five years.

After we split up, I was a mess. I had been battling severe depression and anxiety during most of our relationship, and the breakup caused me to spiral very dangerously. The relationship, in its last 2 years or so, was extremely detrimental to my sense of self-worth and I ended up feeling like a failure for having a hard time finding a place for myself in the workforce. My spouse encouraged me to make as

Revolutionary Living

We can all name some truly Revolutionary People: Thomas Payne. Or some truly revolutionary acts: Rosa Parks taking a seat on a city bus. But there is some truly revolutionary living going on in the US today. And I don’t think all those who do it, do it intentionally.

My aunt who went to law school in the 1970s was one of about 20 women in her lawschool class. That she knew was mildly revolutionary. She was the first female president of the bar association of her state (when I was a freshman in college). That was a mildly revolutionary thing to do. She knew consciously that she was part of the continuing movement to women’s equality in career settings.

Today, there are African American, out of the closet LGBT persons and others who are still blazing trails in certain professions or career levels. However, I don’t think being both … Continue reading