Do Children of SMCs Have Psychological Problems?

One of my biggest questions when considering becoming a single mother by  choice was how it would affect my future child. Would I be setting them up for a harder life because of my desire to become a mom? Would they suffer mentally from being raised by only one parent versus two? I knew it was time to do some research to see if I could find the answers to my questions.

The Journal of Family Psychology conducted a study on 51 solo mother families and compared them with 52 two-parent families. The study measured maternal wellbeing, mother–child relationships and the child’s adjustment to mothers, children and teachers.

I was thrilled to read that there were no differences in parenting quality between family types apart from there being lower mother–child conflict in solo mother families. That’s right! There are less conflicts between mother and child in solo mom households. Maybe … Continue reading

A Letter to J’s Teacher

In a few weeks, J starts “big kid school” and this is the letter I will be giving to her new teacher:

Hi Miss C — I am excited for J to be in your class this year; she’s excited for school to start.

I would like to explain a little bit about our family. We are a mom-and-kid family – I am an SMC –  a single mother by choice. There is no father involved in J’s life, nor has there ever been; there was no divorce, separation or death. Of course, J has an extended family, a Nana and many “aunties” and “uncles” (but no father and no brothers or sisters).

J’s understanding of our family structure is evolving. One of her favorite books is “The Family Book,” which explains that families come in all sizes and configurations.  We also read an age-appropriate story about her unconventional conception.  … Continue reading

My Only Regret is That I Waited So Long

I’ve always wanted to have children, always wanted to mother. I’ve been an au pair to other families, spent time with all of the kids of friends and family. I hoped and assumed, of course, that I would have a family of my own when the time came.

I suppose that’s the tricky part – that time thing. Like many, I’ve been in a series of long relationships that have not withstood the tests of time. A long medical training that I started when I was twenty-eight ended ten years later. And there I was, at thirty-eight, for the first time seriously thinking of having a child on my own.

So many questions came to mind – how could I do it? How could I make it work in time and money and love? And most importantly, would it be, could it be fair to bring in child into the Continue reading

Keeping My Future Child Safe

This post was originally written at the time of the Trayvon Martin murder. We are reposting it now in light of the recent George Floyd murder.

I have just been so sad since the story of the Trayvon Martin case came out.

I’m pregnant but don’t know if I’m having a boy or a girl. I have to admit that one little part of me, deep deep inside, has hoped Honey Badger is a boy. Someone to carry on the family “name,” which is an absolutely archaic conceit that I’m ashamed to admit that I even give any credence. But, there it is. And of course, I would love a girl too — any baby is a blessing.

But I’ve just been feeling so much pressure now of what it means to possibly be bringing up a black boy in this world. And I am so pre-emptively afraid. What if … Continue reading

May 19, 1992

On May 19, 1992: Vice President Dan Quayle ignited a cultural firestorm when he criticized the tv sitcom character Murphy Brown for “mocking the importance of fathers by bearing a child alone and calling it just another lifestyle choice.” And indeed, it has become just another lifestyle choice!

Thinking about becoming a Single Mother by Choice? Already a Single Mothers by Choice?  Join Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) for great support and information.

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Why I Try Never To Say “Well That Was Dumb”

Mom giving baby a kiss.I had just finished a twelve hour overnight shift in the NICU where I worked as a nurse. I was riding the bus home in the early Saturday morning hours, bone tired. It was sunny, I think, and I was feeling regretful of my need to sleep before the next night’s shift, wishing I could be out in the land of the living, enjoying the beautiful weekend with my boyfriend instead of shut up in a dark room with a white noise machine.

I laid my phone down on the bus seat next to mine.  Just for a moment, I thought.

But when I got home a few minutes later, I realized my phone was gone.

Dammit.

That evening, at a pre-work dinner with my then boyfriend and now dear friend, I confided in him about my lost phone. Although I had a full time job in the NICU, I … Continue reading

SMCs With Twins

When I first began my journey towards becoming a mother, a visit with an infertility counselor was mandatory.  It was a mostly predictable conversation for me where I was asked what I would do to cope with parenthood, the stress of treatments, and the potential that the treatments might not work, but then the counselor asked me a question I was not expecting, “What do you think you will do if you succeed…A LOT…as in you become pregnant with twins (or more)”.  My response was, “Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!”.

Truthfully, before cancer, chemo, surgeries and the impending 4th decade laid waste to my ovaries, I actually had a genetic predisposition towards twins.  Growing up, my family would always say “You know, every third generation is twins and guess where you fall?”.  I have two sets of second cousin twins and my grandfather was a twin.  I don’t know if it is true or … Continue reading

First Christmas

My little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby. Except for when he was born, I didn’t hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and while pregnant. The second he was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax, as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.

I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I’d be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there.. How wrong I was! This kid … Continue reading

To Mom or Not to Mom

img_1264Last year at this time I was about to  undergo my second round of donor insemination, and little did I know that my life was about to change forever. Deciding to be an  SMC (Single Mother by Choice) was the scariest and most gratifying choice I could ever make. A friend once asked me if could live a happy life without a man in it. I said at that moment that I didn’t know but I was willing to try. However, when it came down to answering if could live my life without ever becoming a Mom, my answer with no hesitation whatsoever was NO.

So when I got the results back with a positive, I knew that my ultimate happiness was soon to come, and 40 weeks later when I held my beautiful baby boy in my arms, my life right there and then was complete. He completes me … Continue reading

Brave and Amazing

“When I grow up I want to have a baby on my own by anonymous sperm donor” was not what I was thinking as a little girl. Like most girls my age I dreamt of meeting someone, falling in love and having a family. But that’s not how my life unfolded, so I decided to have a baby on my own. Once I made the decision it was easy, I was lucky enough to conceive on the first try. What was hard was everything it brought up emotionally and what it would take to feel proud of, and happy about, my life.

The first 5 years of my daughter Lulu’s life were filled with happiness, I loved being a mom and I was getting a lot of attention for having made the choice to do it on my own. My friends were telling me how amazing and brave I was. … Continue reading

“I used to think that becoming an SMC was my plan B, but it was the best decision I ever made. My son is my pride and joy. I can't imagine life without him. I am thankful that I had support along the way through the SMC community. I no longer consider it my plan B.”

– Anonymous