Who Is My Daddy?

I am a single  mother by choice. I have thought about what to tell my child about his father from the time I started planning my pregnancy. Everything I read said that I child may start asking, “What is a Daddy?” or “Where is my Daddy?” around the age of three. I felt  semi-prepared for his first question. When Bryan was nursing, I practiced. I talked to him about who his father was and why I decided to have a baby by myself. Sometimes I didn’t like the way it sounded so I reworded it.

During the first year of my baby’s life I continued these monologues abut how everyone has a father but not everyone has a Daddy; some fathers live with their children and some don’t.; it takes a lot of work to be a parent and my son’s father, although he is honest, thoughtful and kind, didn’t … Continue reading

The Question Gets Asked…

If you are a Single Mother by Choice (SMC), you know the question to which refer. I’ve waited anxiously for my son to ask the Daddy Question. Everything I’ve read says our young children are eager to know more about their unique family structure and origins. As soon as they learn the name for people in their home and for the people in their friends’ homes, children are supposed to ask. So I waited. I prepared. I rehearsed. You wouldn’t think it would take this much planning just to present the truth. I came up with my script. I wrote out the words. I revised them as I practiced the conversation. I bought picture books that other moms said were good for telling and talking. I read those books to Henry. He much preferred The Cat in the Hat and Goodnight Moon. I waited some more. When would he ask? … Continue reading

What Do We Say About Daddy?

Many of our children ask questions about their fathers, and right now, with Father’s Day approaching, we are all thinking and talking more about it. When we made the decision to become an Single Mother by Choice, this subject was, for many of us, the one which we were most concerned about, and rightly so. Deciding to raise a child without a father has a real impact on our children and on us.

Having some understanding of child development can be very helpful with feeling more comfortable with this important subject. For example. toddlers initially get their view of the world from their parents, and take their cues about how to feel about most things in life from them. So if you tell your toddler, when s/he asks about their “daddy”, that some families have a daddy and some don’t, the child will usually be fine with that, particularly if … Continue reading

Getting Up

At times you get knocked down.  Life is like that sometimes.  You’re humming along, minding your business, and something or someone knocks you down.  Even those who seem to live the most charmed lives will not escape this.  It’s just the way life goes sometimes.

I can’t help the fact that when I get knocked down, I stay down for longer than I’d like.  I’m built for the initial fight, but not for endurance.  If something knocks the wind out of me it often takes me a long time to heal from it, longer than I am comfortable with.  The one thing that I can say, though, is that I get up.  Eventually, after a protracted amount of time, I do get up again.  Sometimes I am scarred by the experience.  Sometimes, I am left with a deep sense of sadness, resentment, or loss.  Sometimes, I foolishly allow someone’s lack … Continue reading

When Mommy Is At Her End

I wonder, do they know I love them, even when I am screaming at them from the top of my lungs?  These little beings that know Mommy’s every button (except her secret ticklish spot which I will die before revealing*).

It’s so much worse when I am sick, and my defenses are down.  They seem to know, and act doubly bad.  It’s as if, “We just want to really, really want to make sure you still love us, Mommy.  Do you love us always and forever Mommy?  Even when we insist on cosleeping and then run over the top of your face at 2 a.m.?  Or yank hard on a clump of your hair at midnight?  Even when we find cherished mementos of your teen years and systematically destroy them?  Even when we take the new loaf of bread, one of three foods you are allowed to eat while sick … Continue reading

My Village

Just a few short weeks ago, my aunt died. This was a woman who was among the first to tell me she supported me fully when I told her I wanted to become a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) … the woman who threw me a baby shower, the first person aside of my mom to come visit my newborn son, and the woman who told me she thought it was “awesome” how I was choosing to live my life. To say her loss has been huge to me would be an understatement.

She was clearly beloved in her community, as evidenced by the hundreds of people who came to pay their respects at her wake and funeral. But I had always known that and admired it about her. And this woman, who I so wanted to emulate for many reasons, had me wonder as she lay dying of cancer, … Continue reading

The Book

Today I finished writing the book, the real book (as some friends would call it). Today I finished the story book I wrote for my wonderful little boy. I call it, “Where did Marco Come From”, in which I try to explain how he was brought into this world. It’s his story, our story.

When I first decided to become a single mother by choice, I knew there would come a time when I would have to explain that not all children have a mom and a dad. I would have to explain, that all children come from love, and that ultimately he came from the most pure, big and wonderful kind of love. He came from the love and dream I had of becoming a mom, of becoming his mom.

At first, writing the story was a bit hard. I had an idea of what I wanted to tell … Continue reading

Pre-Conception Plans and Decisions

How Single Women Do It.

Adoption or conception. Both are great options, and each appealed to me, for different reasons. Since I can’t have a baby without a little help myself, adoption seemed like a wonderful opportunity to in turn help a woman who needed a loving family for her child. Unfortunately, not all adoption agencies consider a family of one adequate, and even those that do were unaffordable to this single chick without taking out a serious loan, something I’d rather not do if I have another option. Luckily, I’ve always wanted to experience pregnancy. I’ve already got big feet and ankles, so I might as well have something miraculous accompany them, right?

Where?

It never even occurred to me that single women had options for this question. I just assumed if Mr. Right wasn’t doing the job that Dr. Somebody ought to be. Actually, though, there are other Continue reading

I’m Not Alone!! Oh Great Goddess, I am NOT ALONE!

Unless you are nearing or over 40, single and childless, you cannot imagine how I feel and that’s not your fault – we are just living different experiences. I have not been able to express to my friends how it FEELS to be in my situation, but I am now connected with other women who TRULY understand what it’s like to want a child so much that they will do it on her own – even when deep down they really want the whole family package. Seriously, if we were given more time biologically, we would wait for the right relationship, but we don’t have that luxury.

It means so much to me to have access to people who are going through what I am going through and to share their experiences too. The more I read on the SMC Forum, the more convinced I am that I am making Continue reading

Time Lost. Time Gained

There are many things I miss about not having the amount of time and energy I used to have. I miss cooking a simple dinner that I would crave at that moment while listening to my favorite playlist and drinking a gin tonic, or a glass of wine or a vodka tonic or any alcoholic drink. No I don’t have a drinking problem; I currently have a booby problem. Yes I still breastfeed him, yes I choose not to drink alcohol while I’m breastfeeding but boy do I miss my occasional cocktail. I also miss a long nap after a good big meal. My naps are now usually the half an hour Marco sleeps without moving or waking up wanting to play. Please don’t get me started on the last time I watched a full movie with no interruptions, or something that was not animated (baby tv is on as … Continue reading

“SMC has been a huge inspiration to me from the moment I became a member. I got to know many wonderful women who encouraged me to take the leap of faith and whose support over the years was just great. I treasure the life-long friendships that I have developed.”

– Rada Lankina