If I Could Turn Back Time…

Forty sucks for me right now. I was looking forward to it; now I feel like a fool for having been excited. I am sad that I have not done all I wanted to at this point. I am trying not to focus on the negative, but right now I am not feeling very positive.

I joined Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and now I am reading posts on the private online discussion Forum. I purposely signed up for this because I wanted to learn from women who are in similar situations to mine and who have been through the journey I am undertaking.

They have several awesome sub-forums you can participate in, including “Thinking/Planning”, “Community”, “Trying to Conceive”, “Pregnancy”,  and groups for women with children in different age groups. I guess I should have waited to read the Trying to Conceive forum, though, because I am hearing about women Continue reading

How We Came To Be

Four years ago this month I conceived my first child by a non-medicated, intrauterine insemination. I hadn’t been a Thinker for long. Or perhaps, I had been a Thinker my whole life. The certainty that I would never marry and have children was something that haunted my thoughts since I was in my early twenties. Until I separated the two life events, becoming a mother seemed all but hopeless. I thought about it only in terms of what would never be.

For over a decade, I mourned the loss of what came so easily to most women: a family. Once I gave myself permission to research the possibilities of single motherhood, things happened very quickly. Within a month I had read everything I could find on the topic. I began contacting adoption agencies. The official responses were consistently negative. A social worker at a domestic agency said to me, “No Continue reading

One Baby or More

Today I realized I should work on deciding to have one baby or more (oh if it only were as easy as playing one potato,  two potatoes, three potatoes, four.)

It just so happens I recently visited my gynecologist,  accompanying my mom on her routine checkup, and what seemed to be a regular morning of errands suddenly turned into an existential debate whether to possibly stay with one child or use my third vial left in attempt to get pregnant again. This turn of events happened because my doctor reminded me of the fact that I’m 37 years old and the sooner I have a baby, the better chance I have to get pregnant and having a healthy, complicated free pregnancy.

I’m not scared of the being a preggo again, I just loved being pregnant! Yes I got bloated, I was super tired all the time, I got really heavy … Continue reading

Made My Decision

I think my mom’s illness, and especially her difficult recovery from surgery, has crystallized things for me. In two ways.

The first: I’m so grateful not to be enduring her illness alone. Maybe that’s a terrible reason, but I’m very grateful to have siblings who share (more than their fair share nowadays) the burden. Not just the work, but the worry.

The second, and better reason: I realized, thinking about her mortality, that when I imagine looking back at my life from an older age, having a child is the very best thing I’ve ever done. Nothing else comes close. C. brings me unspeakable joy.

How can I not want to experience this one more time?

Another blogger wrote about her decision not to have a second child, and I completely respect her choice, and her reasons behind it. Namely that she can’t be a good parent to her first … Continue reading

The Last Five Years

Recently, I randomly took a few minutes to figure out the number of days I was with my ex-husband. I then counted forward the same number of days from the day we split up . I am now at the point that I will have been apart from him for as long as I was with him. It’s not really a meaningful moment, but it does cause me to reflect on the past five years.

After we split up, I was a mess. I had been battling severe depression and anxiety during most of our relationship, and the breakup caused me to spiral very dangerously. The relationship, in its last 2 years or so, was extremely detrimental to my sense of self-worth and I ended up feeling like a failure for having a hard time finding a place for myself in the workforce. My spouse encouraged me to make as

Continue reading

Advancing to the Waiting and Planning Stage

I have finally advanced beyond the Thinking stage. It took me over eight months. Eight months of trying to feel confident and willing to go the road of motherhood alone. Thinking and evaluating my situation and what is available to me in this journey. Joining the Single Mothers by Choice organization.

I knew I had advanced to the next stage when I stopped talking myself out of being a mother. My thinking took a turn to the positive. Hard choices have to be made. I had to ask myself a question: Are you willing to make drastic changes to be a mother? When my answer became a firm YES!! I was catapulted into waiting and planning.

I left my home state 12 years ago and relocated. I have a few close friends here, none of whom I see on a regular basis. The only people I see with any consistency … Continue reading

Why I Am Taking the Leap

1. I am sick of living my life for myself, i.e. clothes, jewelry, facials, massages etc.

2. I love spending time with my niece and nephew, i.e. playground, zoo, reading books, bathing, feeding etc.

3. I am scared of getting old and being alone

4. I have so much love to give, but no child to give it to

5. I want the mother-child bond; I want to feel needed

6. I hate holidays, get-togethers etc. because I am the only one without a child. I feel weird not having my own family and feel like the perpetual child showing up to family gatherings

7. I feel isolated from the world at age 32 because I have no children; people my age have children. I am finding it harder and harder to connect with people since I am childless. I am already feeling more connected with others because my mind-set … Continue reading

“After I joined SMC, I learned so much! One of the best things was not feeling alone. So many had gone before me, and if they could do it, then so could I! My local group was a great source of support and becoming an SMC was the best decision I've ever made.”

– Joyce Gabbert