Guy vs. Baby

I’m 41 and decided this year I will attempt to be an SMC.  I first thought about it three years ago but then decided to do two rounds of egg freezing instead (got 20 eggs).

But I had second thoughts, and then met a guy.  He wasn’t the “one” but it made me believe I don’t want to give up on child with a partner just yet.  Since then I made many life changes and had some amazing life experiences.

But now I’m older, eggs are older, and also I feel I’m really ready to be a mom.  My career only fulfills me so much, and I want to give and have continuity.  A child, sadly, is a more reliable source of love than men.

I’m scheduled for an insemination next month.  Of course, right after I made an appointment, I met a guy.  I don’t think it’s going anywhere … Continue reading


When I started this blog, I told myself that I would post regularly, that this space would help me find my writing voice again.  And it has certainly done that, giving me a place to work through some of the complicated emotions that I’ve been experiencing since I began this adoption journey.  Many women, after all, keep pregnancy blogs, documenting each new bodily sensation, the growing, tangible evidence that, in a specified amount of time, there will be a baby.

While waiting to adopt, though, there is nothing tangible: no growing belly, no swelling ankles, no blame-it-on-the-hormones bouts of moodiness.  No timeline.  In a normal pregnancy, there are nine months to plan and prepare, a date in the future that clearly delineates the before and after of baby’s arrival.  In a normal adoption wait, there is… nothing.  There is daily life as usual, and that life could last nine months, … Continue reading

A Little Bit On How I Got Here

I am choosing to become a mom on my own, and this is an enormous project that, like any enormous project, can only really be done in tiny steps. Baby steps. Every day, I have maybe one step to take. Later on, there may be several, or it may feel like all the steps need to be taken at once, or like stepping has turned into a big exhausted tangle. But that’s when someone will remind me to check back in with the Buddha who brings me back to the present. The path IS the goal, yo.

What led up to this decision?

When my last serious relationship ended last fall, I signed up the next day to become a member of  Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and began hatching my plan to become pregnant on my own. I had been so impatient for so long. This was the most … Continue reading

How To Choose A Donor Again, And Again And Again…

Once I had decided that I was going to try to have a baby on my own it was time to start thinking about who was going to father said child.  I considered all the options, some more than others…

  • One Night Stand?  Totally out of the question for me.  Gross/diseases/timing and of course morality.
  • Known Donor?  I considered this briefly after a ‘close male friend’ offered.  It has its pros and works for some people but I didn’t want the danger of ever having to fight for full custody of my child.  I also didn’t want to be tied to this person for the rest of my life.
  • Sperm Bank?  Overwhelming as there are so many.  For me this was the most logical way even though it was the most expensive.

Once that decision had been made there were a barrage of decisions behind it.  I decided against an … Continue reading

Embracing My SMC Status

During this Single Mother by Choice (SMC) journey I’ve realized that there are two versions of myself: me before making the decision to try the SMC path and me after making the decision to go the SMC path.

Let me tell you about the pre-SMC me. She was like the Rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. Rushing all around town, trying her very best to meet, date, and marry Mr. Right. Why? Because her biological clock was ringing quite loudly in her ear and the voices in her head kept shouting: “hurry up, hurry up, you’re late! Late! LATE!!” It was such a sad, frustrating, and frenetic time!

And then something shifted. I decided to start dating myself. I began with solo trips to the movies and even sampling restaurants with just me, myself, and I. It became routine and quite fun to take myself out whenever and wherever I fancied. … Continue reading

The Changes Pregnancy Brings

A year has passed, and I’m still sitting at the kitchen table, working on the computer, with only the cat keeping me company. My heart is still trilling with excitement, my stomach still churning with anxiety. At first glance it might seem nothing has changed.

But, really, everything has changed.

A year ago I made the decision to start this journey toward single motherhood. I spent countless hours researching fertility centers, reading blogs of other single mothers, finding books on raising children conceived with donor sperm. My excitement stemmed from knowing I was making a decision that would forever change my life. My anxiety stemmed from fears of finances, worries of whether my closest family and friends would be supportive of such a decision, and, yeah, the realization that I was making a decision that would forever change my life.

While part of me thought things would move much faster … Continue reading

Ready For Baby?

Sitting in my office at work today, I realized that one year ago I was in the midst of trying to decide if I truly could make the leap to begin Trying To Conceive (TTC), as a single mother. This deliberation placed me face to face with all of my fears including:

  • What if having this baby prevents me from meeting Mr. Right, down the road?
  • What if this baby comes and instead of feeling bliss, I feel resentment that my childfree life is gone?
  • What if this baby comes and we don’t gel personality wise?
  • And the mega-of-all what-ifs… What if I completely lose my sense of self, as I’ve seen so many mothers do?

These and many other thoughts swirled around in my mind, as I struggled with the concept of facing this momentous life event… alone… Alone – what a hollow word; I was still wrestling with … Continue reading

FertilityIQ Surveys – U.S. Fertility Patients

I am very excited to share this great news: You’ve probably heard about FertilityIQ? FertilityIQ is an independent platform where verified fertility patients anonymously assess their fertility doctor, nurse, clinic, billing department and more. The data is free and really helps fertility patients to choose (or avoid) a doctor or clinic.

Now SMC has an opportunity to both contribute to FertilityIQ, and to benefit SMCs. Our thinkers and tryers can look up other women’s experiences with clinics and doctors. Those who are pregnant and already moms can help members who are just starting out by providing information about their fertility resources.

And FertilityIQ will make a donation to SMC for everyone referred by SMC who assesses their fertility doctor on FertilityIQ!  

To ensure that SMC gets credit for the surveys, the person responding needs to type in “SMC” in answer to the question at the end of the survey

Continue reading

Who’s Your Daddy? The Daunting Task of Choosing a Donor

Let’s face it, by the time I reached the decision to become a single mother by choice, I had become an expert at online dating—or at least an expert on reading and decoding guys’ online profiles. “I’m a bit of a geek” sounds cute but equates to “I have limited social skills outside of my ability to speak Klingon,” while “I’m working towards a degree in . . .” means “I’m still living in my mom’s basement.” So I thought wading through the waters of donor profiles would be a familiar and simple task. You know, just like finding a husband. *Bangs head on computer desk*

Healthy and handsome, and a little height wouldn’t hurt. That’s all I thought I needed to worry about when I started my search. After all, genes are tricky, unreliable buggers; I know this as the five-one daughter of a five-eight mother. So why get … Continue reading

The Adoption Complication (or, Why Single Motherhood)

I’m almost ready to send my packet of paperwork to the agency: the medical form and fingerprinting records, the background check requests and the letters of recommendation, the budget form more detailed, and more complicated, than anything I had to fill out when applying for a mortgage.  This packet will precipitate the home study process with the social worker, and then, if I pass, it’s on to creating my profile and then… waiting.

Most people trying to adopt do so in a couple, which means there’s always someone there to complain to or to help with paperwork or distract from the obsessive single-mindedness that can very easily take over this process.  It doesn’t bother me to be doing this on my own; to be honest, once a friend convinced me two years ago that the SMC (single motherhood by choice) path was possible, I became genuinely excited by the thought … Continue reading

“I joined when I was in the Thinking stage. The forum was exactly what I needed to research the SMC experience. I felt more confident with that support and information, and am now a mom to a baby boy!”

– Anonymous