We Wanted To Be Moms

When I turned thirty-five the last thing on my mind was becoming a mother. I had spent my late teens, twenties, and early thirties so wrapped up in myself; the thought of having the responsibility of a child was submerged somewhere between marriage and home ownership.  I was content being a perennial student, keeping a day job, and sabotaging potentially long-term relationships.  Then, some time in my thirty-fifth year, an unprecedented urge pierced my thoughts, rattling my body like an alarm clock, only this was purely biological.

I thought there must be other women like me.  There were.  Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) was founded in 1981.

I pulled the top down to my Jeep Wrangler, wearing my skinny jeans, and drove to my first SMC meeting.  I walked into a room of tired-looking moms whose kids were all around the same age.  They undoubtedly drove safe cars with secure … Continue reading

Why I Want to Be a Mother

I want to share my vision of the world with my child or children; that life is expansive, not restrictive. that life is joyful and involves down time and bad times, but is exhilarating more often than it is draining or exhausting. I have lived in several countries, and cultures, and I want to pass on the knowledge that the world is a large place, and that there is a place and purpose for everyone, even several of each for you in one lifetime. I want to open their hearts to really believing in and pursuing their dreams.

I want to integrate them into my very large, loving family–they have numerous cousins waiting for them!

I want to teach them my native language, and pass on our rich Indian heritage to them. I want them to meet their great-grandmother, one of the greatest ladies I know. I want them to … Continue reading

20.88 Million

Insemination #8 went fine.

I worked from home yesterday, which I do strategically to cloak my suspicious number of appointments.  At 9:45 am, while peeing on mute during a conference call, I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t called the sperm thaw hotline before 8:30am as instructed.  Dropped off the conference call, called the sperm thaw hotline begging them to call me back with confirmation, called Olga hoping she’d put in a good word with the lab.  Slight panic.  Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be to miss a cycle because of forgetting this easy step?  But, now that I’ve missed the deadline twice, I see that it’s ultimately negotiable and probably more of a guideline.  A nice lady in the lab called me back within 5 minutes and called me “dear”.  Olga also called back and said, “You’re all good!”

Phew.  Sigh.  Gratitude.  Thank you.

Half an hour before … Continue reading

What Has Been My Favorite Part Of Pregnancy?

I have been asked this a handful of times. The immediate things that come to mind are the little flutters, especially when I first started feeling them. Like a little bird’s wing inside me. They gave me pure joy. He’s really in there. But more-so I think my true favorite thing about being pregnant has been the feeling of hope. The unknown, which surprisingly for someone like me who needs to feel in control, isn’t scary at all to me – it’s the kind of unknown that is like a spark, an excitement, an anticipation of getting to know him. My baby. Meeting him, seeing who he is and how our world will be.

I have all the hope in the world. That’s the thing about me – this shameless, undeterred, sometimes naive optimism that has carried me through the last 40 years and unchanged by disappointments and devastations, heartbreaks … Continue reading

Not Thinking About Thinking That I Could Be Pregnant

I have now done everything I can to avoid thinking about the possibility that I could be pregnant this time. It’s amazing how the mind works, the barriers, coping mechanisms, whatever you want to call them, how your mind can shut off and block out something that is exciting and hopeful that could potentially be devastating. I wondered why I am thinking about my career 4x as much as I usually do and for no reason aside from the fact that it is safer to think about than thinking about not being pregnant. It’s so weird, I think about if my little egg met the best sperm ever and if it’s happening, if cells are multiplying like crazy down there inside me. It makes me happy to think about….for like 12 seconds and then my mind wanders right on over to my viability in my profession, if I should welcome … Continue reading

Choosing a Sperm Donor — Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

What is it about my donor that made me pick him? How on earth do you choose a sperm donor?

The weight of this decision can feel very heavy and daunting and overwhelming and and and…. But just know, if you take the time and feel great about the choice you made, whichever donor you choose, it will be the right decision. This is not to say that you should write a handful of donor numbers on little pieces of paper and pick one out of a hat. I mean, you could, but that’s leaving a lot up to the universe, which is a-ok if that’s what you want to do. But I think as you weigh the different factors of what makes each donor who they are as people, a lot of the contenders fall away immediately, while others start to really shine. And once you’ve made the choice, … Continue reading

Chasing My Biggest Dream

A few months ago I decided to follow my biggest and scariest dream yet; I decided to follow my dream of being a mother, in my case a single mother.

When I first decided to go for it, I said to myself that I need time to process all the events of the past year that might have clouded my judgement. I had just ended an almost year and a half toxic relationship with a man that I loved at first, but by the end I had fallen out of love with. For some time in this past relationship, I was still willing to be with someone who I knew did not love me, who I did not love, who didn’t make me happy or appreciate me, and most importantly who had a lot of issues that made me acknowledge the fact that he could never be the father I … Continue reading

Fresh Air

A couple of days ago, I read a post on the Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) private online members’ Forum that has helped me shift into a more positive and less fearful experience of early pregnancy. Someone posted the question: how do you deal with the anxiety at this stage? There were many helpful responses, and here’s the one that stated exactly what I needed to hear:

“I had two losses before conceiving my daughter. The first was a very early chemical pregnancy, and mostly reassured me that I could get pregnant. The second was very difficult for me. When I started trying again I was afraid to get a positive result  because I was afraid it would all end again. Any who, when I finally got that positive result, I had several people who were worried for me, and at that point I decided to let them keep worrying,

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What is “Single Mothers by Choice”?

I met my friend Rhonda through a local chapter of the national organization Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). She and I both joined around the same time. The first time we met in person I got out of my car, and I was greeted by a tiny woman in a shimmering magenta jogging suit, her eyes hidden behind big round black sunglasses. We nervously shook hands and began talking about who we were and where we came from and how far along we were in our journey as we walked a 3-mile loop that winds along the Mississippi River and back downtown.

The second time we met we sat in a crowded coffee bar, and I drank a decaf latte a week after my second insemination. I played with the lid on my drink and told her that I didn’t want to sound terribly shallow but I was afraid of … Continue reading

The Last Five Years

Recently, I randomly took a few minutes to figure out the number of days I was with my ex-husband. I then counted forward the same number of days from the day we split up . I am now at the point that I will have been apart from him for as long as I was with him. It’s not really a meaningful moment, but it does cause me to reflect on the past five years.

After we split up, I was a mess. I had been battling severe depression and anxiety during most of our relationship, and the breakup caused me to spiral very dangerously. The relationship, in its last 2 years or so, was extremely detrimental to my sense of self-worth and I ended up feeling like a failure for having a hard time finding a place for myself in the workforce. My spouse encouraged me to make as

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“I've been a member for 14 years. From deciding to start trying through my child’s high school years. I've found SMC to be a trustworthy, valuable online community. I highly recommend tapping into this brain trust of experienced single moms who chose this path.”

– Anonymous