When I started this blog, I told myself that I would post regularly, that this space would help me find my writing voice again. And it has certainly done that, giving me a place to work through some of the complicated emotions that I’ve been experiencing since I began this adoption journey. Many women, after all, keep pregnancy blogs, documenting each new bodily sensation, the growing, tangible evidence that, in a specified amount of time, there will be a baby.
While waiting to adopt, though, there is nothing tangible: no growing belly, no swelling ankles, no blame-it-on-the-hormones bouts of moodiness. No timeline. In a normal pregnancy, there are nine months to plan and prepare, a date in the future that clearly delineates the before and after of baby’s arrival. In a normal adoption wait, there is… nothing. There is daily life as usual, and that life could last nine months, … Continue reading
There I stood smiling at my own reflection in the mirror. I was feeling in a good place, a positive space. Is it because I’m in school and enjoying every moment of it? Possibly. Or is it because I’ve surrounded myself with extracurricular activities that fuel my soul? That could be it… Or maybe it’s because my 15-year-old stepson and I have not killed one another yet, despite living under the same roof!
Not sure what the trigger to this great mood was, but the fact remained that I could get used to this state of mind! This happy thought train led me down the path of reflecting on my year. So much has happened in the realm of fertility! I grieved my original plans of marriage before children, I wrestled with the idea of IVF, and I actually completed an IVF cycle. Now my frozen embryos are waiting on … Continue reading
I am probably one of the most impatient people I know. I am also extremely indecisive, but once I finally make a decision I am set, but that’s a different post. When I am ready for something I am ready NOW! Not a year from now, not a month, not even an hour! I plan a lot. My plans change, I have no issue with that, but I love to have lists and plans made far in advance.
When I was in grade eight I had planned out all the courses I would take in high school. I really couldn’t wait to start. Then in high school I planned for university, I think you get the idea. Now that I have decided to have a child I am ready now. I think it’s worse to just be sitting, waiting to start trying, as opposed to waiting for the baby. Once … Continue reading
Insemination #8 went fine.
I worked from home yesterday, which I do strategically to cloak my suspicious number of appointments. At 9:45 am, while peeing on mute during a conference call, I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t called the sperm thaw hotline before 8:30am as instructed. Dropped off the conference call, called the sperm thaw hotline begging them to call me back with confirmation, called Olga hoping she’d put in a good word with the lab. Slight panic. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be to miss a cycle because of forgetting this easy step? But, now that I’ve missed the deadline twice, I see that it’s ultimately negotiable and probably more of a guideline. A nice lady in the lab called me back within 5 minutes and called me “dear”. Olga also called back and said, “You’re all good!”
Phew. Sigh. Gratitude. Thank you.
Half an hour before … Continue reading
I have now done everything I can to avoid thinking about the possibility that I could be pregnant this time. It’s amazing how the mind works, the barriers, coping mechanisms, whatever you want to call them, how your mind can shut off and block out something that is exciting and hopeful that could potentially be devastating. I wondered why I am thinking about my career 4x as much as I usually do and for no reason aside from the fact that it is safer to think about than thinking about not being pregnant. It’s so weird, I think about if my little egg met the best sperm ever and if it’s happening, if cells are multiplying like crazy down there inside me. It makes me happy to think about….for like 12 seconds and then my mind wanders right on over to my viability in my profession, if I should welcome … Continue reading
I recently read a blog post by someone who has kids and was lamenting her pre-kid single life freedoms. The post was a letter to her young self about how she should enjoy being free, staying out late with friends, traveling and not worry about meeting someone to share her life with—or about whether she has kids; that her life would be just great without them. I love how people who are married with kids always joke about what a pain it is to be married, and tell single people how lucky we are to not have to “deal with” a partner and how hard it is to be tied down to kids.
So I decided to write my own letter to my younger single self:
Dear naive self who thinks she’ll just meet Mr. Right at that perfect age (no need to worry!) and who believes her uterus will … Continue reading
When I started this journey I had no idea there was even a term for having a baby solo. The phrase “Single Mother by Choice” came into my line of vision in a Google search.
My neighbor started this baby party. She was hitting forty in months with no man on the horizon; she was ready to be a mother. I was 36, soon to be 37, and thought I had a whole bunch of time to find the husband and have the babies.
I attended three painful seminars at the local Reproductive Endocrinologist’s. My age was plastered in every presentation as presenting a big dilemma to my dreams of children. A review of my situation made it clear that I had many dilemmas not just one.
A bad economy, underpaid at work, a house underwater. I am living in the south when my entire family living in the north … Continue reading